It’s hard not knowing how you will feel from one moment to the next.
This weekend was full of good, joyful moments shared by my Husband and I. It felt good to enjoy others company and to work on a few projects around the house.
Many times throughout a day I will have thoughts enter and leave my mind. If I am unable to blog right at that moment I will usually write them down so that I can reflect later and decide if I would like to share what I experienced. Here are a few moments I wanted to share, some are from before I began the blog and others are more recent:
1.24.17 Here is the deal…I wake up everyday sad. However, you’re never promised tomorrow so I get out of bed, put on my face and choose to enjoy this gift I have been given. I live, love and make the best of this life in honor of my son. Had I gone before him I would want him to do the same. It doesn’t lessen the pain I feel, however he is still giving me a reason to enjoy life even though he is not here to share in it with me.
1.3.17 Something we have to realize as parents is that our kids want us to be happy just as much as we want them to be happy. You slowly realize this once you have suffered the great loss of losing your child/children because you put yourself in their shoes. You realize they wouldn’t want you to choose sadness because you wouldn’t want them to either.
1.4.17 I push forward knowing my son is watching, knowing that he looks at the big man and says, “Look! That’s my Mom! You were right, she is so strong.” I push forward because as any mother would do, you set an example for your children. You become the person you want them to learn from. You show them, you do not tell them. I am going to show Jackie…everyday…every second, because I know he is watching.
2.9.17 My entire life was going to be dedicated to taking care of my little boy, why should that change even though he is not here?
2.10.17 Many have asked how I am so strong, but the real question is not how, it’s why. My why is my power to proceed.
2.19.17 I feel as though I am looking at a blank painting. One in which had many sketches…many plans. Plans that were suddenly destroyed. All my plans gone…all I have left is the empty canvas…white. What do I do now?
Most recently I had an interaction with one of the students at work. For those that do not know, I work at a University in the Business Office. Many kiddos are so self-centered at this age that they haven’t bothered to ask if I had my baby or how he is doing. But then there are those few who are so selfless, so innocent, so sweet…It hurts my heart to tell kiddos what happened to Jackie. Going back to work init of itself has been a very difficult process for me. Having conversations with students seems to be the hardest task to date. It hurts oh so very badly to tell them that he passed away. I thought about lying to save them from feeling bad, but that would only make me feel worse. I would feel as though I didn’t honor Jackie, like I swept his existence under a rug. I had a student come see me that has been with the University for almost 3 years. He was so sweet to ask about our son and how he was doing. I looked at him and said thank you for asking, however he passed away at 9 days old. He instantly had tears form in his eyes and he tried to find the words he wanted to say to me. I told him, “it’s okay, I understand…you do not have to say anything. Thank you for asking about him, we miss him everyday.” The student thanked me for my strength and told me he would keep my Husband and I in his prayers. What a beautiful young sweet, polite man. I felt terrible for making him feel so badly. I left the office shortly after my encounter with him and went to cry in a co-worker/friends office. How I managed to restrain my tears around the student I still do not know. My heart still hurts.
We love you Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts