I’ve been contemplating my next move for this blog. I know that many of you come here to see updates regarding Jackie’s autopsy report, updates regarding how I am feeling/ coping and also will be visiting in three months to get an update regarding Jackie’s extensive genetic test. But in between the waves of grief and the periods of time where we are all waiting in suspense I was thinking I would share our story…
Writing in a journal has been something I have dabbled in starting in High School and though I have skipped many months and many days through my life, I seem to always find my way back to writing. I find that I write during my weakest moments…losing a friend, losing a boyfriend, losing a pet…see a pattern? I do! Although I tend to typically choose to write during my losses…I chose to write during one of the most beautiful moments of my life too. I wrote when my Husband and I decided it was time to start a family.
I have decided to share my journal entries with you. To voice them out-loud into the world and to share from the beginning, our journey to Jackie. I hope that during this journey of reflection it will bring a sense of joy and peace to my pain. It will remind me why we wished to be parents and also will be a reminder of the ups and downs we have faced together as a couple. And I hope that it brings a sense of completion for all of you. So many of you only know a small portion of our story…I hope this closes the gap and helps to answer so many of your questions that you may have.
I will continue to write when updates are available, but until then I hope you enjoy these readings.
January 14, 2015
As I sit here at work I cannot help but to be distracted. Jack and I have officially decided that we want to get pregnant!!!! We actually decided to start trying in December, however it didn’t happen as quickly as we had hoped. We were looking forward to telling our parents as a part of their Christmas gifts. I even started a Pinterest page dedicated to our bundle of joy that we are now looking forward to and have begun intense research.
The decision to start having babies actually took place on our way home from a party. Although I already knew in my heart that Jack was ready for babies long before this talk. He, unlike myself, has known since we got engaged that he wanted kids right away. A friend of ours stated long ago, “You know he is ready to have kids right?”. It’s not that I didn’t want kids right after we got married it’s the fact that I wanted to complete any education that I might need to further my career. The best way I can describe what happened to me is that a switch flipped, but more so like a light on a dimmer because it wasn’t a complete 100% change. It was a soft lean toward I want to have babies more now than I did yesterday. I don’t want to get to ahead of myself here so I digress.
Jack and I were on our way home from the party and Jack states that he is ready to have babies, I acknowledged his eagerness with a positive reply. It’s a very strange feeling to go through 28 years of your life doing everything possible to not have a baby, and then one day everything changes and you are suddenly trying to have a baby. I must say that finding a grey hair in my eyebrow a few months prior to our conversation about wanting kids defiantly helped with my new found excitement of motherhood.
Speaking about my grey hair, last night I was searching for books to read about what to expect. I found an insert from a book, Getting Pregnant the Hard Way: A Husband’s Tale. His perspective from what I was able to preview was entertaining and very “real”. He even had a similar experience, “I can’t explain why I wanted children, but I know the exact time when I realized time was running out. It was when I discovered a grey hair growing out of my eyebrow. And it wasn’t just a short one that I was lucky enough to discover. It was at least double the size of anything else growing anywhere on my face-including my nose! It was as if it had decided that I was close to death and the only chance for this mutant hair to see daylight was to grow like mad during the night. It didn’t see much daylight, I can tell you, but it did worry me. We all go through different stages of life, most of them signified by a unique positive event or achievements: learning to ride a bicycle, losing your virginity, getting your first job, figuring out how to set the clock on the PVR recorder. There are other more worrying events that signify new scary and less positive stages, such as waking in on your parents having sex and having your first major surgery. And finding your first grey hair. Time was obviously running out. I didn’t want to be too old when I became a parent. I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it. It just wasn’t for me. So I started the campaign of convincing my wife.”
I honestly about peed my pants when I read about his grey hair, only because it hit so close to home for me as well. All and all I must say that my new lean toward pregnancy wasn’t just because of the grey hair I had found, but it did help.
With my intense research as I had mentioned before, I had December mapped out on my calendar with fertile dates and when I was ovulating (or at least when my period tracker app told me I was). I have never been more nervous and excited in my whole life. The idea once again that you spend your entire 28 years avoiding pregnancy and now all of sudden you want to get pregnant so bad you can taste it, really weighs on your emotions. Not to mention you start new habits, of walking 20 minutes every other day, eating right, and you stop your alcohol consumption during your two week window when you may be pregnant. It also is very nerve wrenching when you have friends that pick up on your non-existent alcohol consumption.