I survived…I am surviving…I will continue to survive. “Surviving our his parents.” My husband and I are the survivors along with other family members…this verb means to continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship. To manage to keep going in difficult circumstances. I never thought that I would survive a birthday party…but that is exactly the feeling that I had over the weekend as I braved a birthday party in honor of one of my very close friend’s son’s 1st birthday.
I have been around her kids and they do not pose any anxiety for me and I also knew that a few of my friends from my inner circle would be there so I felt that I would be safe. Though I managed to surround myself in the bubble of love from my friends I still found the event to be extremely overwhelming with other kiddos running around and babies being held. I was extremely aware of the fact that Jackie wasn’t there…that he wasn’t able to be held…that I didn’t get to show him off to everyone. I felt empty…a piece of me was missing that day and I felt it to my very core.
I am however, glad that I went and I will continue to push the boundaries of my grief. I love my friends and their kiddos way too much to just stay at home and miss out on their millstones. I just have to do things in my own way…in my own time. I may have to only stay for a short time…surround myself with others who I find to be my protectors…and to know when to just go outside and get some air.
I survived…and I will continue to survive.
We love you Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts