Okay…April is here. April will have mores significance for my readers the further I share “Our Journey to Jackie”, but just to give you a slight insight to April…April is Jack’s birthday month, April is when we conceived Jackie…
Many deep breaths later and a decision to write about something else…I’ve been noticing that most of my readers enjoy the posts about Jackie’s results and I have been contemplating if I need to refocus what I post about. However, I will continue to write as I feel until I receive negative feedback. Mostly I have received praises and requests for more. If you are asking if it is hard to share my Journal Entries from before pregnancy and during pregnancy the simply answer is yes. I didn’t think that it would be difficult but it is. It is difficult because I don’t just copy and paste the post. I read it and I make edits…Let’s be real, I am not the best at spelling nor is my grammar very good. I have noticed that when I read my posts again that it almost feels like I am reading someone else’s life. What innocence, what positivity, … how could I be that naïve? My how things have changed 11 months trying, one miscarriage, and the loss of our son later…yea I would say my outlook on pregnancy has changed.
Now before you go and think that I am now this anti-pregnancy, negative – everything could go wrong type of individual…I will stop you. I am not against pregnancy, I still think that it is beautiful and magical…and if anything I think it is even more sacred now then I ever have. I have friends that are currently pregnant and every chance I get I tell them to enjoy every second! Even if they feel awful I want them to embrace all of it. Not every women gets the honor to grow life inside of them. So many women struggle. Pregnancy is hard! It should be celebrated every step of the way. Some of my fondest moments of Jackie are when he was still in the womb. It saddens me at times that Jack never got to experience Jackie for the same amount of time that I did.
I guess what I am trying to say is simply that it is just hard to read my entries during a time when I had no idea what lied ahead. I was the stereotypical women who thought that getting pregnant was easy, that being pregnant was easy, and that being a Mom would only become “hard” once our kiddos entered teenage years. Life has a way of putting your “silly” unrealistic thoughts to rest.
Your next question, would you do it all over again? Answer – 110% YES! I absolutely would do it all over again, the roller coaster ride though it is not over was worth getting on.
My Dad has always said that, “everything happens for a reason.” And though some days are harder to swallow than others…everything happens for a reason. Jack and I will continue to forge forward to find our new-normal. We will begin to make new plans while embracing our past. We will never take life for granted and we will love out loud with all of our heart. Yes, I am not naïve about the difficulties of pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting any longer but that does not lessen my desire, my want…to raise a family that is protected and guided by our beautiful angels above.
Okay April…you start the beginning…the beginning of the months of pregnancy that I shared with Jackie…I’m not sure what to expect or what to feel. Here we go…
We love you Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts