As we wind down from our first major holiday without our baby boy…I can sum up our feelings today with one word…hard. Jack looked at me when we jumped in the car, I was doing my best to hold back my tears all day, I said, “today was not easy.” He said,”it’s a holiday babe, I thought about what we would be doing if he was here.” It was in that moment that I could no longer hold my tears back. My husband had said exactly what I had been struggling with all day. It’s the dreams…the plans that we had. Once again our selfishness took a hold of the day. We both felt the emptiness. It was a strong feeling that even still remains as the day winds down. We made the decision to go home early as tears rolled down my cheeks and I stumbled to find a tissue or napkin to wipe my face. Luckily crying in the presence of my husband as been something that I have become more and more comfortable with through our years together. I grew up feeling that crying was weakness and lived by the saying, there is no crying in baseball. Crying is now a norm…it is a release…it is therapeutic. I still do my best to not cry in public…I hold back my tears on hard days like today and wait to release my tears. The wave of grief hit hard and loud today. I so dearly wish we could’ve bought a cute outfit and took pictures with the Easter Bunny like everyone else got to. But that is not our journey, that is not our path. Some days are easier than others, today was just not one of those days.
It’s not that he was missed more today than other days…he is missed all the time…some days just, like today a holiday just push your emotions a little harder than the rest. They are strong reminders of what you don’t get to do. What you don’t have…and what is missing from your life. Today was hard and it wasn’t the first and it will not be the last.
Even though today was hard…I still feel blessed. I am grateful for my amazing husband. Grateful for my family who understood us not being able to make to their house and grateful for two puppy dogs who shower us with kisses and love when we need it the most.
We miss you!
#ourjackofhearts #oursoniswatching