I have a few thoughts running through my head that I thought I would share…bear with me if I begin to ramble or get off topic.
I wanted to first share the fact that I shared my first lunch on Friday with another Heart Mama who lost her son at 13 months. I couldn’t help but notice as we were sitting down to lunch that the red chairs at Mission Taco have hearts on them! I instantly felt a much-needed hug from Jackie and knew that I was exactly where I was meant to be. As nervous as I was to attend this meeting, I am ever so grateful that I did. I instantly felt a connection to her. Every feeling, every thought, every sentence that came out of mouth…she got it. She knew, she lived it too, and she honors her son every single day. I am so honored to have her in my life now and to have someone to call upon if I need reassurance or just a simple text to help make it through the day. It is even more apparent to me now that Heart Mama’s stick together! We are apart of a select group who need to lean on another. We know how each other feels, we get it!
I’ve had a few individuals open up to me lately and ask, what they should say to me. They are struggling with knowing where I am in my grief journey and knowing if it’s a good day or a bad day. Here are some pointers for those of you that are wanting some assistance.
A. Ask yourself if you want to know what we have to say. Are you ready to hear me talk about my son, are you ready to hear me talk about his death, or to hear me talk about where I am in my grief and how I am feeling. Because if it is a good day for me there is a very high chance that I will talk about feelings or thoughts that you may not have been prepared for. Do not just ask me how I am, unless you are fully wanting to go down that path. I am a very open person and if you ask the questions…I will answer them. If it’s a bad day I will usually answer with a very brief, “I have good days and I have bad days.” This is a scripted answer that I am comfortable using on my bad days when I really don’t feel up to sharing or I will simply just tell you, “it’s a bad day.” I would recommend that you use caution if you plan to submerge yourself with me on a bad day… you will want to bring tissues.
B. Do not feel obligated to ask me how I am feeling or how I am doing. I know that when I start to talk about Jackie that I sometimes put my friends and family in an uncomfortable place. I don’t want anyone to feel like they have to ask me how I am. It is not necessary. You will not be looked at as any less of a friend of family member. Jack and I are fully capable of having conversations with people where we do not talk about Jackie, how we are, or anything related to the grief process…we don’t have to talk about it all the time.
C. Don’t be scared to ask us how we are doing, if you really do want to know…if you have unanswered questions that you want to ask…ask away! Two things will happen…we will answer your questions or we will let you know that today is a bad day and ask if we can talk about this another time. If it is a bad day, don’t fee bad for asking…know that we are happy you asked. Grief is an individual journey and it is ever changing…we have no idea how we are going to feel from day to day…we certainty do not expect you to know that we are having a bad day.
D. If we open up and start sharing and you realize you are just not ready to share in our feelings, please just tell us, change the subject, or simply feel free to walk away. You are not going to hurt our feelings. We know that this is a touchy subject. We know that it is not easy to talk or listen about death and grief. Trust us…Jack and I sometimes have to walk away from each other. It doesn’t mean that we don’t love each other or don’t care…sometimes we just can’t handle it anymore.
If anything I hope what you take away from this, is that there really is no manual. There is no right or wrong way. These just seem to be what work for us…or at least what work for us right now. I am sure this will be ever-changing as well. The main thing is, feel free to tell us exactly how you feel. Tell us you want to hear about him, tell us it’s too hard to hear about him, tell us you love us and just want us to know you are thinking about us. Whatever feels right for you. That is the main thing I want you to take away. You are not any less of a friend of family member if you are having a hard time with this. It’s okay. And we respect where you are in this journey with us.
We love you!
#ourjackofhearts