January 29, 2016
Goodbye little Bear; I will always wonder who you would have been. On January 9th our lives changed and on January 28th they changed again. An emotional roller coaster to say the least. I have felt pure joy and pure devastation within the same month. 2016 began with the exciting news that we were expecting our first child and January ended with the news that we had a miscarriage. We have lost our first child, we are now a statistic that states that 60% of your first pregnancies end in a miscarriage. We are 1 in 4. Our little Bear that should have been the size of a blueberry at seven weeks, stopped growing at 5 weeks. My body naturally reacted on January 26th as we rushed to the emergency room. I was experiencing cramps and blood clots. These symptoms continued into Thursday morning when I had to go back to the hospital to have my blood drawn again. The confirmation of the miscarriage came at 11:50 with the call of my midwife. My HCG levels had plummeted. A sense of guilt, devastation, and the remaining question of why fills my body. Why us? Why now? Why our baby? Of course the why will never be answered, and I know that. It’s hard to swallow, it’s hard to think about…All the hopes and dreams we had…All the plans we stated in preparation are just one more reminder of what could have been. I live my life by the saying that everything happens for a reason…It’s just really hard to see the reason behind this. They say it’s most likely a defect or complication but at the end of the day it’s still our baby. Our small tiny alien looking speck of hope. Such a small being that only touched our lives for a short time. We never met you but we will miss you little Bear. You were very loved and very wanted and you will always have a piece of my heart; I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you.
“I’m learning to trust the journey even if I do not understand it.” Mila Bron
We miss you Bear!
#angelmommy