April 15, 2016
I just don’t understand… why us… why me? I still have yet to share my feelings out loud for the world to hear and that is due to my inner struggle as to whether or not that is actually my path. Is that my why, will I actually discover it? All the while, hoping and praying for good news every month after our loss. There is also the added torture of everyone else that is having healthy babies and pregnancies around me… I am doing my best to stay positive for them on the outside while on the inside I feel as though a piece of my soul dies every time something amazing happens to some other couple. Don’t get me wrong… I really am happy for them… really. I just cannot help the fact that at the same exact time of feeling elated and happy for them… I am also extremely envious. This enviousness is toxic… it’s a dangerous feeling that I do not enjoy. There is nothing I can do about it, nothing I say or do seems to make it go away. The longing for motherhood of our rainbow baby just makes me feel like a bipolar crazy person. You might as well sign me up for a strait jacket. To be completely honest, I never thought this would happen to me. I never thought I would be the one in four. Kind of like you never you think you will be the driver who gets a DUI, or crashes… but it happens to people… every day. I can be thankful that those two things haven’t happened, or at least not yet.
I’m not sure if temping actually helps each month or makes it more nerve-wracking. It’s hard to say.
I was just telling a friend last night, as she asked how I am doing… “Some days are better than others.” She actually gets the fact that I will never forget. This reminds me of what happened the evening of my Husband’s 30th birthday party. My Uncle actually said to me, “So I hear you had a mishap.” Me not thinking, just assumes he is talking about something other than my miscarriage… nope, I was wrong he was talking about my miscarriage. It is frustrating at times how insensitive people can be… they really don’t get it! While others… don’t have to have this awful event happen to them to understand. I still love my Uncle don’t get me wrong, he just has no idea how hurtful and hard it was to not breakdown right in front of him. Once again I am back to thinking I need to share…
We love you Bear!
#angelmommy