This is the what if game…the game that I usually steer my mind away from. However, every now and again I will allow my naturally questioning mind to flow. I don’t think it would be right of me to have a blog and not allow you to listen to all the sides of my grief. As you know I tend to stay on the positive side of the fence, not that questioning can’t be positive it just typically brings up thoughts that lead to sadness. I lie here in bed next to my sleeping husband…it is 11:09 pm and I had been thinking for about 10 minutes when I suddenly decided that I needed to grab my phone and start typing…get it out of my head…get it on paper…
Me pretending to talk to the doctor…it’s been almost 7 months now and I finally feel comfortable asking this question (only in my head of course). What would’ve happened if you wouldn’t have operated? Can a lung and liver function connected? What if the procedures were spaced out…would this have saved his kidneys and possible his life?
I can’t help but to wonder if there are others out there in the world living with some of Jackie’s complications. What if I am one of them? What if my husband is? Our family members, friends, co-workers? I honestly have no idea what the inside of my body looks like. I don’t know where my heart is actually located…I wonder if mine is in the middle of my chest too?
This game is a dangerous one as it tends to make me feel ill toward the wonderful staff that we still love dearly and will continue to recommend to others. I don’t like questioning them and the decisions they made…they did the best they could, we placed Jackie in the best care we could find.
It is just insanely hard at times not to question…not to wonder…not to say what if. I don’t like doing it…it makes me sad, sometimes angry. I am cutting myself off from these thoughts now as I try to conclude this post in…a positive manner…because that is what I do. I live on the positive side of the fence…I choose to be positive and to remain positive…allowing myself only moments of darkness.
…..deep breath…staring into the empty nursery doorway…another deep breath. The moment has passed. I have allowed myself to feel and now I can rest easy feeling released and at ease.
We love you Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy