I know I may have briefly mentioned specific moments during Jackie’s birth but I have yet to share the entire story. I have been struggling with writing this. Just the mere thought of putting into words Jackie’s entrance into this world puts me into a whirlwind of emotions. Happy, sad, nervous, empty…so many feelings happened over many hours. It is a day I will never forget…I have never written about it…the below will be from memory…an extremely vivid memory of certain moments and a little fuzzy with others. Here is his story…
On December 20th Jack, my parents, and I all went to our appointment at Cardinal Glennon. It was at this appointment that Dr. Mike was letting us know when he was wanting to induce labor that way everyone would be present for Jackie’s big arrival. He set the date for December 29th. I had mentioned to the Ultrasound Tech during Jackie’s scan that I felt wet. She suggested that Dr. Mike take a look. My mom sat in the room with me as Dr. Mike examined the situation…he stated that my cervix had softened but I was not dilated.
I started to feel pressure after dinner time. It was similar to constipation…something that I had become very familiar with. I was extremely uncomfortable and tried sitting on the pot many times prior to bedtime hoping for relief. I finally decided I would lay down for bed hoping it would help…however even laying in bed I found to be even more uncomfortable than usual. I decided to move to my recliner in the living room in attempt to allow my husband to get some rest and hoping that sitting in my chair would somehow help. Around 11:00 pm I began to realize that this pressure I was feeling was starting to come in waves. These waves of pain/ pressure began to have a rhythm and I remember thinking to myself, “hmm these must be contractions.” I went to the bedroom and got my phone out so that I could time these waves of pressure. Sure enough they were hitting me at specific times…slowly getting closer together. Around 1:00 am I realized it was time to wake my husband up so that we could make our drive to St. Mary’s. I walked into the bedroom, stood over Jack and began gently rubbing his arm and saying wake up.
Startled he opened his eyes and stated, “you scared me, why are you creepily standing over me?” I told him it was time to pack his bag and get to the hospital.
He asked, “are you sure?”
“I think so. I have been timing this pressure since 11 and it’s coming in waves.”
We got all of our things together and Jack helped into his truck. Traveling at 2:30 in the morning certainly has its positives. We arrived at St. Mary’s and Jack dropped me off at the front to wait for him to park the truck. I had to call him 2 minutes later when I realized the front door was locked. He turned around and picked me up and we decided to enter the hospital through the emergency room since we both couldn’t remember where they told us to go during our tour weeks prior. We were greeted with smiling faces and a nice man got me a wheelchair to take me upstairs to be examined. We arrived at check-in and I was taken into a room to have my situation evaluated.
My water broke at 3:00 am after the doctor checked to see if it had broken since I had mentioned I had felt wet all day. She had to put in a “stick” and as soon as she removed it a gush of water hit the bed. It was official…it was time to have a baby! And here Jack thought it would be a false alarm…nope! Jack took this official news as time to call the grandparents to let them know that their grandson was going to be entering the world earlier then planned…no one answered…he tried again…no answer. He finally got through and was able to deliver the news. I remember my parents saying that they didn’t keep their phones by the bed since they had just found out earlier that day that Jackie’s induction date was on the 29th…they never imagined that he would decide to have his own date in mind. Clearly Jackie didn’t like the idea of being induced.
We were transferred to the labor and delivery wing, grandparents arrived, and the room was filled with smiles as we all patiently awaited his arrival. We waited…and we waited…and we waited some more. Lots of conversation, the TV was on in the background, and I ate as many Popsicles and jello that I could stand. Dr. Mike stopped by and shared a moment of, “I just saw you yesterday” and if my memory serves me correct it was around 4:00 pm that I finally gave into my contractions and asked for the epidural. Reading the waiver is extremely freighting as you realize that if you move you could end up paralyzed for the rest of your life…but to be honest as freighting as that reality is…I wanted to drugs more. Instant relief is the best way to describe what I was feeling after I received my epidural. It was wonderful…so wonderful that I took a nap. Dinner time rolled around and the grandparents decided to go get some dinner and stretch their legs…we let them know that we would call if Jackie decided it was time. They returned from dinner and we waited…waited…waited some more.
I had moments where my contractions would come in stacked and the nurse thought maybe we were getting close but then they would die off…so we just waited. This is not what they show you in the movies! Finally around 9 pm I took the opportunity to have a stern talk with my son. Letting him know that everyone especially Mommy was tired and extremely ready to meet him. Luckily Jackie took my feelings into consideration and at 10 pm I told the nurse I felt pressure…I felt like I needed to push. She came in to do a few practice pushes with me to see if I could move Jackie. My contractions still were not where she wanted them to be but she was listening to what my body was telling me. Sure enough I could move him…she went to rally the troops. It was finally time to have a baby!
Moms were both given the duty of holding my dead weight legs, since I couldn’t feel them from the epidural. There was around 15 others in the room made up of doctors, interns, and who knows who else but I surely didn’t care who was in the room. My Dad graciously went out in the lobby to wait, stating that there are some things in life you just shouldn’t see. Jack stood by my head in attempt to not see the miracle of life…but that changed quickly as the nurse asked him if he wanted to cut the cord and they had him move for a front row seat of the show…the moms got more than the paid for too. The nurse walked me through each contraction as I breathed in and pushed…breathed in and pushed…breathed in and pushed….waited for the next contraction (also not shown in the movies)…breathed in and pushed…breathed in a pushed…breathed in and pushed. At one point the head doctor had to push Jackie back inside and untangle his umbilical cord. Then before I knew it, it was 10:30 pm when the most beautiful dark-haired boy was held up for me to see. A rush of emotions flooded my mind and body. As they still do every time I think of that moment. He was taken straight to the examination table where a crowd of doctors, nurses, and interns were all checking him over. “Look at all that hair”…was a statement that seemed to be circling the room. I remember thinking to myself, I win! I handed Jack’s mom my camera to go take photos of him for me. My mom stayed with me during the after-birth.
There was a moment that I thought to myself that they would bring him to me and say that everything was fine and he could come home with us in a few days. But reality quickly stepped in, they had to rush him to the NICU for further examination as his heart rate was extremely high. Jack and my Dad followed Jackie. What seemed like hours later, Jackie was finally wheeled in already enclosed and ready for transport to Cardinal Glennon. I cried then and I cry now as I remember that moment. This tiny beautiful baby boy who should be laying on my chest…was alone…so very alone…hooked up to monitors and strapped down for safe transport. The transport team was so nice as they allowed me as much time as they could just to have minutes with my son…to touch him with my hand and to just look at his beautiful face…they placed a transport blankie on my shoulder to get my scent…I wanted so badly to hold him…I wanted so desperately to be allowed to have the “normal” story that so many others get to have and take for granted. I wanted the fairy tale…but that wasn’t our journey…that wasn’t his story.
The transport team wheeled him out…I clung to Jack as if I was drowning and needed saving from the harsh waters of that hospital room. My mom and dad gave me a hug and stated it had been a long day…they were going to head home and would see us tomorrow. Jack’s mom went with him to follow the transport team and to be with Jackie at Cardinal Glennon. I was taken to room…a room that was in the same hallway as all the other happy parents that were living the fairy tale that I so desperately wanted. I was alone…so very alone. Luckily the nursing staff was very attentive and came in often to check on me, to help me learn how to pump, and offering me their supportive words of encouragement. Jack would send me pictures of Jackie from Cardinal Glennon as I tried so very hard to have some connection with my son that was now miles away from me. I focused on producing food for him…that was my saving grace…through all the agony that I was feeling…all the loneliness…the one thing that I could do for him was produce food…that I hoped he would be able to eat after his heart surgery.
In the morning of the 22nd Jackie had an ECHO and ultrasound performed and I was released for 4 hours to go see him and my husband!
We love you Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy