I recently have been mentally focused on everything besides grief. Life is happening and my grief journey is beginning to take a backseat. This of course is a double-edged sword in my opinion. On one hand it is nice to be living in the moment, enjoying life for all of its wonders once again…however the other hand is that I now have more emotional build-ups…you know where you suppress feelings in order to continue on with your day and then boom! All of those feelings you pushed down within you come and hit you out of nowhere…all at once. These all at once moments seem to happen when I finally allow myself some alone time…time to reflect…time to think. I am slowly realizing that giving myself these moments of time are extremely important to my day-to-day mental health. I guess I just thought that the more time that passed and the no longer anticipations of results…meant the less time I had to give myself to reflect and grieve. Although life is buzzing again…I still have to slow down and allow my grief to be processed. These moments of time I will be giving myself will be even more important as December quickly approaches.
Let’s take some time and talk more about the notion that all of Jackie’s results have been finalized and…it now feels more real. As we head into the 10 month mark…it has always been very clear that he passed away…however, that doesn’t take away the fact that there were always items pending. We have always been waiting on results. Results from the autopsy, results from the extensive genetic test, results from my test…and now there is nothing. No other tests to be ran…no more long phone conversations with Cardinal Glennon to explain results. Now…life just is. It’s just an everyday dance…a tangled web if you will…with grief.
Not having answers regarding why is something that I have come to terms with. And just because you come to terms with it doesn’t mean that you still sometimes don’t think about the dreaded questions. They always manage to find you at your lowest moments. Why Jackie? Why us? Why?
However not having anything pending continues to find me in a place of limbo. Instead of asking Why Jackie, I find myself asking now what?
I guess I do know a bit of the answer to my own question the more I think about it…
Now we truly grieve…we grieve and process all that we know and all that we lived during our time with Jackie. And we will continue to grieve and celebrate his life everyday…a tangled web of pain and joy.
I will continue to document our journey…although with no pending results and with the conclusion of my blogs regarding Jackie’s lifetime in the NICU…I’m really not sure what to write about.
I really don’t know what lies ahead…all I know for sure is that I miss my babies everyday.
We love you!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy #october