31

Today is my 31st Birthday…I am officially in my 30’s…yes I am one of those 😉

 The thing is…30 was a year that I will never forget…EVER! I was pregnant…something that I had longed for especially after our miscarriage in January at the age of 29…I also had to say goodbye to my son at the age of 30. 30 signifies life as a roller coaster ride…a tangled web of emotion…30 gave me everything and took it away just as fast. A lot can happen over the course of a year…and I sit here and repeat those words to myself…a lot can happen…a lot. Then I go back to my favorite new questions…but what can happen…what will happen?
Turning 31 signifies a new chapter…much like many other events that have taken place in my life…my life after Jackie. I almost feel as though this turning a year older only solidifies the loss of my son that much more…similar to not waiting for anymore results. Everything about Jackie’s life/death is coming to a close and we are left here with our grief, joy, and hope. I can feel a page being turned…and I can see the blank pages ahead…empty…awaiting what comes next.

These last two blogs have made me listen to a new favorite song of mine on repeat…

 I wonder if Jack and Diane ever made it,

After the drums and the guitars all faded.
Was the best they could do good enough
Or did the heartland just swallow em up

How did my mom and my dad ever do it,
If there were troubles then we never knew it.
I guess they had each other and that was enough

You know you can’t keep the ground from shaking

No matter how hard you try
You can’t keep the sunsets from fading
You gotta treat you love like
Your jumping off a rope swing maybe cause the whole thing is really just a shot in the dark
You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart

You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart

What am I gonna tell my kids when they see
All of this bullshit that goes down on TV
When the whole world is down on its luck
I gotta make sure they keep that chin up

Cry when it hurts, laugh when it’s funny
Chase after the dream don’t chase after the money
And know we got each other, that’s whats up

Cause you can’t keep the ground from shaking,
No matter how hard you try
You can’t keep the sunsets from fading
You gotta treat you love like
Your jumping off a rope swing maybe cause the whole thing is really just a shot in the dark
You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart

You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart

You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart

Cause you can’t keep the ground from shaking
No matter how hard you try
You can’t keep the sunsets from fading
You gotta treat you love like
Your jumping off a rope swing maybe cause the whole thing is really just a shot in the dark
You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart
You gotta love love love love…
You gotta love love love love…
You gotta love like there’s no such thing as a broken heart
Old Dominion – No Such Thing As A Broken Heart Lyrics 

Basically just envision me in my car with the volume up…singing along the whole time. My favorite lines I have highlighted 🙂 It really is just a shot in the dark…and at the end of the day Jack and I have each other. I am no longer naive to life hardships…as my Dad stated the other week…my Husband and I have faced more hardship then many others do their entire lives. This may or may not be the case considering I am a true believer that everyone is fighting a battle of some sort…some hardship…some pain.

The hardest part of turning this page is once again that confirmation of Jackie’s death…I know he is gone…I know that we never would have met Jackie had we not lost Bear…but turning 31 and not having our almost 10 month old here to celebrate it with me…well…it breaks my heart. I get that lump in my throat and tears build in my eyes.

It’s all the dreams I had of him being in our lives, how I envisioned what 31 would look like once I saw those two pink lines…and all those dreams are no longer. We walk a different path…it’s still good…but just not what I envisioned.

Once again I am struck by the question…now what? I am 31 and I still really don’t have a plan. And maybe I don’t need one…maybe that is all apart of the bigger picture. That life isn’t about plotting out when things will happen…only to disappoint you when it doesn’t happen…so for now I will continue to do what has been working. I will enjoy the things that bring a smile to my face, invest my time with those I love, and continue to embrace my journey.

Here is to 31!

We love you Jackie!

#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy #missingyoualittleextratoday