Do you ever have a day where you think, “will it ever be my turn?”
One part of me has been avoiding this blog and the other part of me is screaming on the inside…telling me to let it out…let these feelings out…it is not healthy to just bottle them up. Before I start, I will say that I let these thoughts out on occasion…typically around close friends and family…and possibly with a large glass of wine. I am a bit ashamed to admit that I have these feelings, but I think it all goes back to balance. So here goes…another side of child loss that many of you may or may not be aware of.
Child loss has a way of bringing out the worst in you. It’s true. Many of you will never see this side of me however…just know that it is there. I have never been known by my friends or family to be the type to judge others, be angry, or even down right jealous…but after suffering a miscarriage and losing my son…I find myself having moments where these feelings creep into my thoughts and take over my positive outlook on life. This is a side of the darkness that child loss brings to someone. I’ve already shared with you the “what if?” game however these thoughts to me are even worse. At least the what if game is focused on us and our life…these feelings I am speaking of turn outward toward others.
In my opinion the most positive person in the world having suffered loss will be drawn in to these thoughts during their day. And for the record let me just state that this is my least favorite part of myself now…I hate that I have thoughts of jealously, anger, and judgement. It is not my place to feel these…it is not my place to only look at a portion of someone else’s life and to have such strong feelings towards them. It’s not fair to them nor is it fair to me, but I can’t help it. I literally have no control…I try…and I try…but in the end the darkness has a way of winning (even if just for a second).
One can succumb to these feelings in different spaces including in person or from social media. Perfect little families…in their perfect little lives…some appreciative and some not so appreciative. Either version of reality can cause me to become upset. My favorite line during these moments, “It’s not fair.” I watch Mom’s carry around their babies, push them in strollers, feed them, run their fingers through their hair, take them shopping, take them to get their nails done, and kiss their cheeks…I watch Dad’s toss their kiddos into the air, chase them, push them in their cool cars, and teach them how to make tacos out of leaves and dirt. AND IT’S NOT FAIR! My husband and I have to stand, sit, and walk through life surrounded by everyone else with their perfect little families…in their perfect little lives…and it is simply not fair. I am angered, I judge, and I am down right jealous.
Please keep in mind that these feelings are not felt all the time. I have numerous encounters with families with kiddos and have nothing but positivity running through my mind. I simply just wanted to share that I do feel negatively at times. I have had so many tell me how positive I am, how strong…I usually just shake my head and think to myself…if you only knew. If you only knew how dark my world can be at times. Child loss literally brings out the worse in you, creating a version of yourself that not even you knew existed inside.
We love you Bear and Jackie!
#angelmommy