I am happy to share with you all that things are still going well for my new-normal. I tend to use the word well because it seems to fit much better than good, great, bad, eh, and okay. I just feel that it encompasses all the emotions. Well is certainly tilting toward positive however it can also be used to say well-enough. As we all know my anxiety is increasing as we continue to near the holiday season. I can’t help but to prepare myself as I see a large wave building on the horizon. I feel as though I have a lot to share and I really don’t know where to begin…so here goes.
I wanted to take some time to share more of my story with you all. I am grateful that many of you wait patiently for me to share anything…you are happy to read updates regarding Jackie and you are just has happy to read blogs that seem more like circling thoughts. I guess I just feel the need to share more so that I can make sure I am offering the big picture. You all have been riding this roller coaster with me and as we near the year-end I want us all heading into 2018 on the same page. Not only that but I also wanted to make sure that I am providing a clear picture as to what these past months have really been like. What it is really like to be a bereaved mom and how I survived my first year of child loss.
Good days and bad days have slowly become good days with moments of bad. I no longer experience grief over long periods of time. Grief is just a feeling that comes and goes throughout my day…sometimes just for seconds…minutes…and at the longest a few hours…but never an entire day. Along with these periods of sadness I am getting to know my triggers…kind of…they can be a bit different on a daily basis. What I have found though, is that I am much more resilient to my triggers if I have not been bottling up my emotions. It is so very important to release my feelings. As grief dances alongside me day in and day out I do find that I do not always allow myself to feel what I need to feel at the time that I need to feel it. I do have a schedule to upkeep.
This schedule of mine is by no means written in stone nor are we talking about jam-packed days, however as much as it may cause me to suppress certain feelings at times it also provides a day-to-day list of things to do and accomplish. I am by nature a planner and this schedule gives me something to wake up and do every day…if I didn’t have it…I would most likely stay in bed…because trust me, I could stay in bed everyday all day. I could easily do that. I am learning my balance…a balance between giving myself time to feel while also planning my days to keep me out of bed. Just to give you an example of a day in my planner here is what this past Friday looked like:
-9am Spine and Wellness Center Consultation
-ALDI
-Pick up Rx from Schnucks
-Lunch
-Laundry
-Dinner with Brother & Sister-In-Law
As you can see…not jam packed however enough to keep me moving throughout the day while also at the same time allowing me time to think, feel, write, read, walk…just release emotions in general. My days do not always flow this nicely and that is why I am still learning my balance…some days I try to accomplish too much leading to the emotional overload in which I become anxious, stressed, moody, sad…it really is just all about balance for me. A balance of errands to accomplish, household chores, quality time with family and friends, work, play, and time to heal.
Once my day has come to a close I enjoy snuggling up to my Husband and fur babies in our queen sized bed watching Netflix and breathing the calming scent of lavender of from our diffuser. Essential oils in general, a large thanks to my sister-in-law for the introduction, have become an essential part to not only our night-time routine but also our day-to-day. From calming blends to fill the air, bathing and hygiene, to cleaning our house. It is safe to say that I am obsessed with essential oils. And for you inquiring minds…we use doTERRA. My favs include and not in any particular order: lavender, lemon, lime, purify, console, lemongrass, melaleuca, peppermint, balance, serenity, wild orange, breath, and on guard. I also am in love with roller ball blends: allergy relief, flu blend, belly bend, and melaleuca. The hubby is even becoming a supporter…slowly but he is also understanding the benefits these oils are bringing to our lives.
Another essential item to my day to day…Books! Not that I am a huge book worm…however I do find that currently I enjoy reading in the comfort of my own home where I am safe to express myself.
Since Jackie here are the books I have read:
Grieving The Child I Never Knew
I Will Carry You
Couple Communication After a Baby Dies – Differing Perspectives
I am currently reading:
Surviving My First Year of Child Loss
And on deck:
Option B
An Exact Replica of My Imagination
Wherever You Go. There You Are
One Thousand Gifts
My current reading, of course, being the motivation for this blog post. Many of these books were sent to me from other bereaved parents, from family members, or were recommendations that have been provided to me. These books have really become the foundation to my healing journey. Reading the words of another bereaved is comforting…they “know”. I also do not feel alone and that is huge while adjusting to your new-normal and navigating your life as a bereaved parent.
Heart spotting or receiving hearts has also become apart of my day to day. I’ve already shared a blog in regards to these beautiful messages so I will just recommend that blog post incase you missed it.
There is one other item that I would like to discuss before the closing of this post. That being my profound drive to keep my son’s story alive. This seems to be a common theme among bereaved moms that we want our story to continue with our angel babies being a big part of it. That we want others to see the love, the strength, and our persistence to keep going for both ourselves and our angels. Most of you would probably be surprised at how many times a day I try to think of ways to remember Jackie, how to memorialize him, how to keep his spirit alive in not just our hearts but also in all of yours. It may sound silly because I am sure many of you do not need to be reminded…you think of him as much as I do. But nonetheless it is thought about often.
I talk to a small circle of friends and family members regarding my ideas for Jackie. We bounce back and forth these ideas throughout the days. Some we are already looking forward to and others are still in the beginning stages. I will not be sharing any details today about these ideas…so consider this just a seed and something that you all can look forward to hearing about soon!
Dancing with grief is not easy. This life is not something I would wish upon even my worst enemy. It is a life that is painfully beautiful and requires a lot of self-care and compassion. Life has become more about quality than quantity. It is no longer about the money we make or climbing the corporate ladder. Life is about our relationship with our son, our family, our friends…making memories, loving, caring, healing, enjoying the simple things that this life has to offer…sunsets and sunrises and the hope we hold for the future.
We love you Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy