I posted recently on Facebook for my family and friends to read how I was handling Birthdays in the month of November. I have edited the post to share with my blog followers and have also added to it.
We are right in the middle of celebrating our Niece and Nephew’s birthdays. Our Niece is four and our Nephew is one! My Dad also had a recent birthday and we are plunging forward right into Thanksgiving. I have been riding my emotions with a seatbelt on since the beginning of this month and I knew things would get rocky for us, especially for me.
Emotions…so many emotions. I had a hard time writing a special Birthday post for my Dad and could barely say a few things for my Nephew on his Birthday and it all boils down to the fact that…it’s hard. It’s so very hard at times to be bereaved. All day you try to ride your happy emotions for those you love in your life and to help them celebrate their momentous day in the best possible way…all the while you are pushing away your sadness. Pushing away the fact that last year at this time we all were anxiously awaiting what this year would look like with Jackie in our lives.
I have been faced with my posts that I had written for our loved ones last year, only making the pain that much worse. I shared excitement for the thrill of watching my own Dad become a Grandpa and could not wait to watch him and Jackie share memories together. I also shared the excitement that my Nephew and Jackie would grow up together…bought numerous twinning outfits for them and had dreamed up what their relationship would be like with Jackie’s Aunt so many times.
No matter how much time passes it is always my selfishness, always the dreams and thoughts that I held for our future that cause so much destruction during the day. But not only do I have bereaved pain, I also feel like I didn’t give those that are here the attention that they deserved. I laid in bed that morning not only saddened that Jackie isn’t here but also saddened that I was unable to give my Dad and my Nephew the birthday posts that they deserved for this year. Both of which hold a very large place in my heart and are loved to my very core.
I followed these words on Facebook with the Birthday posts that both my Dad and Nephew deserved. It was hard…I cried the whole time I typed them. I couldn’t help but to be immersed in the pain that their Birthdays brought for me. Do not get me wrong it wasn’t all pain and sadness…I also cried as I laughed thinking about my Nephew’s “boyish” self, his cute contagious smile, and thinking about some of my Dad’s all time favorite stories that he tells. These are absolutely two irreplaceable individuals in my life.
The pain of grief was evident that day as it still is today. It is struggle at times. It is as though I am in a constant battle with myself. One side wanting to just be sad and bereaved and the other wanting to be my old happy-go-lucky self. Finding the balance between the two has been a struggle. I want to be present, I want to be apart of so many memories for those that I care so deeply about but I also am grieving. I cannot forget to allow myself to just be bereaved. I will never be who I was before Jackie and that is something that I am also learning to embrace. Bits and pieces of that girl surface here and there but I am so far from that person at times. That girl put everyone before herself and I learn now how to take care of myself.
The life of a bereaved is not easy. It is by far the most challenging thing I have ever had to face. I am still learning how to dance, how to swim, how to embrace this roller coaster ride that was chosen for me. Learning how to not only take part in self-care while still feeling present for the ones I love will continue to be a challenge for me. These two Birthdays will not be the last of the momentous dates to emotionally rock me to my core.
We love you Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy