December is here and though the first few hours of the month were filled with tears I have also experienced a calm within me. I have spent most of my time thinking about Jackie’s birth, the first moments we had with him, touching his little fingers and toes, and holding him on Christmas Eve and Christmas. As much as I had dreaded December arriving I am actually finding it joyful. Just as I embraced the therapeutic feeling I had while decorating the house I am embracing this joyfulness of Decembers arrival. Reliving those 9 days in my head…focusing on the positive moments that we had with him and enjoying the amazing fact that we were given a gift. An irreplaceable gift that we will hold in our hearts forever.
If there is one thing that I have learned through my grief is that it is much better to have loved and loss than to never have loved. I also know that this is the calm before the storm because I still see the wave of grief on the horizon slowly making its way toward me. It has not gone away and it would be wishful thinking to think that it would. For now I will embrace the calm, I will enjoy these happy memories as they dance in my mind, and I will do my best to cling to them as long as I can as we near the end of December.
The noticeable difference to me this month from others is the fact that Jackie was with us last year from the 21st-30th. Yes he was with me for months prior to his birth but that is different…you mom’s out there will understand. Though a bond is forming in the womb…there is something that overcomes you the moment you see their actual face and not the alien creature you have been watching with your doctor. I have solid memories to focus on, yes I still have the dreams of what his birthday and Christmas could’ve been like for us this year but instead I am more focused on the time we had with him last year. It’s not about what could be this month but instead what was.
Hopefully I will not overload my readers with posts this month, hopefully I will not shut down and stop writing all together, hopefully we will survive this month as we have survived all the ones before. Jackie will continue to be the first one we wish a good morning to and the last one we say goodnight to; we are/ I am determined to not let this month change that.
I remain determined to stick to our plans, determined to celebrate our son, and not spend our days in bed sad for what we have lost but instead spending our days grateful for what we have. This is a good life full of endless possibilities. Jackie’s physical life may have ended but he is not done here and as his parent I will see to it that he is remembered, honored, and celebrated for as long as I live.
We love you Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy