Everyone is afraid of something or somethings. One thing I have found is that fear is only emphasized after loss. When Jack and I set out to begin our family in 2015 we began the journey with naive hearts. We were made aware of the facts of pregnancy loss however we were just not going to be that couple. It’s similar to when you are growing up and you believe that you are invincible…everyone tells you to be careful and warn you of all the negative things that could happen but you undoubtedly believe that those things only happen to others…not to you. I have sometimes described the life I am living currently as something that I would watch on TV, something that happens to others, something that I would only read about…but it’s not…it’s real life…it’s my life.
Grieving our miscarriage and Jackie will be a life-long journey. 2016 will never be forgotten and will follow me throughout my life as a constant reminder that we were not invincible and our naive hearts will never be again. It’s similar to when you find out about Santa Claus, The Easter Bunny, The Tooth Fairy…once you know there is no going back. You will never feel the same about it again…your naive heart has learned the truth and the magic is no longer.
When Jack and I got pregnant with Jackie 3 months after our miscarriage, it was not the same. Yes we were thrilled but we were cautious. Unless you have experienced complications you may try to understand but you truly will never understand unless you have lived it. We had already been down this road before and it ended as quickly as it had begun. We knew the statistics and we knew that we were already 1 in 4. My mind constantly was at war until my doctor looked at me and said, “We are in the clear, you’re really out of that danger zone”. Once again our minds turned naive, we had gotten through the worst, and things would be smooth sailing from here.
Our 20 week appointment took a turn for us. Once again we were faced with the fact that we were not invincible and that complications can arise at any point during your pregnancy. A wonderful happy time turned into weekly appointments filled with anxiety and fear for what the future held for our baby.
We are not naive as we continue to try to grow our family. We are fully aware of the statistics for pregnancy loss. I would be lying to all of you if I said that I am not scared; that I do not fear pregnancy. Of course I am fearful. I worry about miscarriage, I worry about 20 week appointments, I worry about defects, I worry about mutated genes during the development of the fetus…I am fearful of everything that has already happened to us once but not only that I am fearful for what else could happen. I am fearful because my naive heart was stollen from me. It was taken away and I can never get it back. I have learned the truth and the magic is no longer.
I have no idea what I/what we will feel when we finally see those two pink lines. I have no idea what or how these fears of mine will affect that moment or moments after. But I do know that they will.
“Never let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game.” – Babe Ruth
We love you Bear and Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy #thisoneisforJackie