Some people never get to meet their hero, I gave birth to mine. It seems cliché to say…but it is how I feel. Jackie has touched many lives in his short life and I am constantly in awe of his impact on the world.
December 21, 2017…one year has passed and it was a mixed emotions kind of day. I woke up with the notion that last year at this time was a happy day therefore I would continue that momentum one year later. I found it difficult throughout the day but I kept pushing forward…I had a plan…a mission to carry out and I would stop at nothing to make sure that the day was as perfect as it could be.
As planned, I launched Jackie’s “Our Jack of Hearts” Facebook page that morning. After that was complete I spent the morning decorating the house for Jackie’s party that we were going to have later that day. My husband and I had spoken months before about keeping the guest list short…family only. That afternoon Jack and I painted our rocks. Our family started to arrive and we embraced our togetherness. Throughout the evening our family also painted rocks, we ate baked spaghetti, and we even enjoyed pieces of cake. This was not a new cake mind you, this cake was saved from our baby shower, frozen, and saved for Jackie’s birthday. It was saved at a time when I had dreamt of Jackie eating it one year later…but even though he wasn’t here to eat I was still glad that we saved it and carried out the plan to eat it one year later.
Painting rocks and eating 1-year-old cake were not the only plans that we had to celebrate Jackie’s big day! We also had put blue Christmas lights (December birthstone) on Jackie’s blue spruce in our front lawn. For those of you not familiar with his blue spruce the short version is that our Cousin’s purchased a blue spruce in honor of Jackie. They presented us the idea of the memorial tree on the day of Jackie’s memorial January 14, 2017 and we planted the tree on Father’s Day. The plan was to light the tree at exactly 10:30pm December 21st (when Jackie was born) and to turn them off December 30th at 1:25 in the afternoon (when Jackie passed). I remember many conversations from the Grandparents talking about how similar the evening felt to last year. We waited and waited for 10:30pm to arrive. We painted, we shared stories, we ate, and we waited. Finally it was time! We went live on Facebook to share the moment with our family and friends. It was cold but that didn’t stop us. We all filed out the door and gathered in front of the blue spruce. We had two minutes till 10:30pm. My sister-in-law asked what I was thinking at this time last year and I spoke of how I was thrilled that he finally decided to come out! We then sang Happy Birthday…you could hear many of our voices cracking while we sang to our beautiful angel. And finally at 10:30 pm Jack plugged in the lights and it was absolutely beautiful! It was exactly what I wanted for Jackie and the evening couldn’t have gone any more perfect.
After the family left I was posting on Facebook about the day. This was my hardest moment of the day. It was in that moment that I recalled so many posts of my family and friends that they were able to make for their one year olds. They were able to speak about the growth and milestones that were accomplished that year by their babies. Is still tear up when I think about it. As beautiful as the day was I would give anything to have written a different post. A post filled with the memories we made with Jackie…here with us…physically. I don’t and didn’t allow myself to live in this thought for a very long time, but I do allow myself to feel the pain that it brings me and then I regain my thoughts, take a deep breath, and remind myself that he never really left. He is with us everyday, not the way we had planned, but still here.
We now look forward to continuing these birthday celebrations each year. We will paint rocks and we will light his tree at 10:30 pm. Jackie will continue to be celebrated, to be remembered, and to be honored. We all miss him beyond measure. There is not a day that passes that he is not on my mind and that will never change. It wasn’t birthday I had originally dreamed of but it was beautiful. I was once again humbled by the love and support of our family and friends. The texts, the calls, the cards, the gifts. I honestly don’t know how we would’ve made it through this year without them. The love, the support, and the time that they give to us daily is beyond appreciated.
Be sure to follow us on Facebook @ourjackofhearts and keep a look out for painted heart rocks! Feel free to share the hearts that you find on this page with us as well.
We love you Jackie!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy #oursoniswatching #thisoneisforJackie