Today, January 9th, was supposed to be a good day…we were going to wake up, get ready, and head to an ultrasound appointment…but instead we are once again picking up the pieces of our broken hearts. It was confirmed yesterday that we miscarried. We were so looking forward to sharing our news in a few weeks with the world. With that said, I still wanted to share with you all the below post that I had written right after we found out that we were expecting.
In the midst of catching you all up and sharing what it is like to be bereaved and trying to conceive we were blessed with a Christmas Miracle. Was it your prayers and good vibes that you sent up to the heavens for us after I posted about “Trying” that were heard? Maybe…just maybe! Was it having ovulation officially confirmed? Was it acupuncture? Was it all of the above…I really do not know…All I really know for sure is that I woke up on Wednesday December 6th and I decided to use one of the tests I had bought just the day before. Remember I always cave on buying them even though I refuse to believe that they will ever be positive. However, I had a bit of a motivational push to buy them…my acupuncturist had just told me on that day that I need to stay positive, I need to stay calm, and above all I need to know that it will happen…I will get pregnant. So I heeded his advice and pushed all of my negative thoughts aside…sensitive boobs, nausea, exhaustion…the signs were all here I thought. I bought a more expensive test because it was still so very early in my two-week wait. I knew that it would be difficult for a dollar store test to pick up a hcg surge at this time.
My temping alarm always goes off at 6:30am and I usually fall back asleep right after I add the temp to my Kindara app. I then wake up for the day after Jack gives me a kiss and wishes me a good day on his way to work. On this morning after I received my kiss goodbye, I went and let the dogs out and pondered over whether it was too soon to test…I knew it was…but I just couldn’t help myself. So I went to the bathroom and not a minute too soon because my morning pee was ready. I was doing a pee dance as I opened the test and finally got it open after a few minutes of struggle. I waited and waited staring at the window of destiny. My pee seemed to be moving ever so slow, so I waited some more. At first only the test line appeared and I sighed to myself, I knew it. I let the test sit a bit longer and I noticed the faintest second line beginning to appear. I twisted and turned the test looking at it at every angle still seeing a faint line…could it be? Of all the emotions I could possible have I simply smiled, looked up, and felt thankful.
I instantly took a photo for safe keeping on my phone, sat down at my computer to begin this post, and then thought, now what?
Should I run the test down to my sister-in-law for a second opinion? Should I wait a few days then test again to make sure? When should I tell Jack? When should we tell everyone else? What if we lose the baby? …Nope that’s negative…keep thinking positive…Oh my goodness…OH MY GOODNESS! Happiness began to pour from my eyes, a warmth came over me almost as if someone was hugging me…but no one was around. I looked at Jackie’s bear and said, “we did it Jackie, you are going to have a sibling.”
I decided I wanted to tell Jack in a fun way. There is no reason to not celebrate this faint miracle…no matter what happens…this faint line deserved to be celebrated! I got distracted on Pinterest and had to purchase shirts for the dogs, Jackie’s bear, and us for announcements! I couldn’t help myself I was flooded with excitement and joy. I reeled myself back in and needed to come up with a way to tell Jack. As I pondered ideas…I kept going back to the test that I had placed in a ziplock bag. Is there really a line? Gosh it’s so faint…it’s the faintest line I have ever seen…but yes, I think it’s there. I decided to send the picture to another bereaved mama for a second opinion. She instantly wrote back, “ITS THERE.” A flood of emotions overcame me. I was so happy! I put the test and one of Jack’s Daddy shirts in a Target bag…I decided that I would give it to him when I got home from work.
I got home first and I brought the Target bag out of my purse and placed it on the counter. Jack walked in and I handed him the bag. He said, “what is it?” I said, “I don’t know, just open it.” His hands were dirty so he asked me to open it and show him. I reached in pulled out the pregnancy test and said look really really closely. He looked at it…looked at me and said it’s there! He then told me that even if it doesn’t stick this is the closest we have gotten in months and he was grateful for that. He said that he was going to save himself…he was being cautious excited incase anything were to change…it was so early and I totally understood where he was coming from.
The next morning December 7th I decided to take my digital test, I was going to wait till Friday but hey who was I kidding I couldn’t wait another day…I peed…I waited…I held the test in my hand as I ran around the house letting the dogs out to use the restroom and then feed them with one hand…waited some more. Finally…at last…YES+ appeared in the window! AHHHHH…I ran into the bedroom and woke Jack up announcing our glorious morning news! He got up and wanted to take a look at this test himself…instantly I could see the joy radiate from him as he told me that this was going to be hard to keep a secret. I laughed and said I know. As I was cleaning up the kitchen he began to rattle of baby names. A girl is easy, we have had two names picked out for years. A boy is harder, we only had a name for Jackie because he was the fifth Jack so that made things easy…we never picked out a second name. Jack then looked at me and said, “the only down side to this is that everything is already done.” I said, “No, it’s not! We can update the nursery once we find out what we are having, they deserve their very own theme.” Jack looked at me and said, “You’re right.”
I sent a photo of our positive test to my Midwife and she called in an order of progesterone. I had taken it with Jackie and it was for precaution then as well as now. Our birth plan would be discussed with her during our first appointment as we will most likely have her refer us to St. Mary’s were we had Jackie. Jack went to work and I went to my acupuncture appointment excited to share our news. My doctor was thrilled and said that I would continue treatment for another two weeks to maintain blood flow to my uterus and to also keep my anxiety low. I left my appointment in wonderful spirits. Take it easy, do something fun, get a massage, eat well, and think positive were my list of things to do per my doctor.
We love you Bear, Jackie, and arriving in 2018…Peanut!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy #bereavedandpregnant