You all know now why I have been waiting to share our journey during December. December was a month of pain and joy all wrapped together by one very large bow. We not only were celebrating Jackie’s life and grieving his loss but we were also celebrating new life, new hope…a Christmas miracle. Being bereaved and newly pregnant was a complex situation for me. I spent most of my day analyzing symptoms and when I didn’t feel any I immediately would think..yep, I’m not pregnant anymore. I was constantly thinking about all of the bad things that could happen because well…they happened once before. All the while, I was experiencing large amounts of joy and day dreams. Dreaming about our future, knowing that this is the one…this one will stick…the tides of our lives are changing…now is our time to shine!
I remember thinking to myself during one of my lower times during the month that God wouldn’t take this one away…he isn’t that cruel. This pregnancy couldn’t have come at a better time…it was a miracle…a gift from Jackie and everything was going to be perfect.
When to share our news was an extremely hard question to answer, especially once we saw the YES+ digital test on December 7th. Obviously we had reasons to be reserved regarding our news but at the same time we couldn’t deny the large amount of excitement we were experiencing. We decided to share our news first with just the immediate family. No matter what happened they deserved to know, not only that but we knew that we would need their support incase anything were to happen.
Sister-in-law “I’m giving you an elf hug?”
Father-in-law “I thought you threw a used tampon at me!”
Mother-in-law, YAYAYAYAYAYAAA!!! followed by many many tears
Mom, “Does this mean you are trying?”
Brother-in-law, “No freakin way! I have gooseys.”
I am sure many of you are laughing and wondering why my father-in-law thought I threw a used tampon at him. Well, his pup had torn up some trash in our front lawn earlier that day and he thought we were sharing what we found in the mess.
The entire month was a roller coaster. Jackie’s birthday was hard but we also experienced hope and joy, dreams of celebrating Jackie’s second birthday with his sibling. Christmas was full of cheer as we announced our news to the family. Tears, joy, smiles, and fear were felt by all of us. We spoke often of what Christmas next year would be like with our new bundle of joy. We also spoke often of how scary it was for us to be pregnant. We were not the only ones that were experiencing two feelings at once. Our family has been with us on our rollercoaster since the beginning and they too had reserved emotions that they were protecting.
I fought often during the month with the idea of sharing our news with everyone. I struggled telling some of our close family and friends so of course I would be nervous to publicly announce our news. The truth is, is that I was a wounded member of a sacred group…and by entering motherhood again…I was now on a new path. Still a fallen broken heart but with new life growing inside of me creating peace within me and bringing more and more positivity to my life with each passing day. I had something to focus on other than my grief and other than not being pregnant. I worried about losing friendships that meant the world to me, I worried about what would happen to my blog following, and I worried about hurting other Moms. I personally know what it feels like to see public announcements of happiness when you yourself are drowning in sorrow, grief, and unable to share in everyone else’s happiness. I have been there…I know what that is like and it hurt my soul knowing that I soon would be someone that someone else would get upset with. It literally hurt me to my core. My only hope was that they could at least be a little joyful for us, understanding that we too struggled, we too grieved, and we too know their pain. Sometimes it’s a bit easier to be happy for a family that has been through the ringer than the family that never had to struggle at all. Holding onto that notion is the only thing that made the idea of sharing our news a little easier.
Through the ups and downs of the month we headed into 2018 with hope and dreams of a bright future. However it was right after we rang in the new year at 11:00pm, celebrating the ball drop in NYC, that those dreams of a bright future began to shatter. I recall laying in bed that evening thinking to myself…this isn’t happening…not again…2018 is supposed to be our year…please let everything be okay.
We love you Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#angelmommy