Being bereaved and pregnant can be a hard road. I started writing this post at around 7 weeks pregnant and I was already emotionally drained from this pregnancy. I had my first appointment with my doctor on December 19th and was told I was only around 5 weeks 3 days along. Which is kind of crazy to me because that would mean that I tested around 3 weeks and received a faint positive test. From there we were not able to see anything during that appointment since it was so early. We scheduled our second appointment for the 9th of January…and the 9th couldn’t get here soon enough.
The scare right after New Years…
I noticed very light brown discharge before bed on New Years Eve and light cramping New Years Day. Things seemed to die down until the 2nd of January when I had dark brown discharge only when I would use the restroom. I know that these things can be completely normal and everything would be fine it just drained me emotionally to think that we could lose our Christmas miracle.
As the days continued to pass…as we anxiously awaited January 9th, the brown discharge that only appeared while using the restroom become red…and the minimal amount turned into heavy amounts. I was basically bleeding like I would when I have my period. I did have some cramping but nothing extreme. My doctor recommended blood tests to check my hormone levels. I had a test done on Wednesday the 3rd. I received word on the 4th that my levels were normal for 5-7 weeks pregnant! Alas good news! I was instructed to have my blood drawn once more 48 hours later…and I continued to bleed. I had my blood drawn on Friday morning the 5th and received word later that day that my levels were not looking good. They were not where they should be but also not low enough to say for sure that we had already miscarried. I was instructed to have my blood drawn once again on Monday the 8th.
During the weekend my mind continued to be emotionally drained. Thoughts of hope and thoughts of loss danced together as one throughout the hours. We did all we could to keep our minds occupied and also to remain as positive as possible. It wasn’t time to grieve a loss just yet…there still may be hope…a very small amount of hope but still hope. Jack and I had a conversation Saturday evening. We talked about what we said to one another when we discovered we were pregnant. We said that no matter what happens we would embrace the time we had with this little one. We also would be grateful even if it didn’t stick. From there we discussed how wonderful our lives our. How much we love another. Just how much we have to be thankful for. We may be missing a piece but that doesn’t mean that should allow us to lose sight of just how much good is around us. We also discussed the positives that this pregnancy had already brought us. This little peanut got us through our toughest grief month…December. Little peanut also answered our question…could we get pregnant again? Answer…YES! We weren’t ready to give up! We already had 2 beautiful angel babies who watch over us daily. We didn’t know at the time how this would end but no matter what…everything was going to be okay!
You never know what is going to happen…isn’t that the truth? We really have no control. Monday came and I went in the morning to have my blood drawn. The evening before Jack and I were snuggled in bed and he asked if I had googled any of my symptoms…I said no…but since he asked I became curious. We both laid next to one another searching google sharing our positive findings. There was one answer from a mom that I took a screenshot of. She spoke of her pregnancy journey that she too had heavy bleeding needing a pad. She also had cramps, passed clots, and lost her previously tender breasts. All items that I too was experiencing. She shared that bleeding and cramping can occur without a miscarriage. If anything she gave us hope. Just a small amount but still hope. Enough to keep the faith and to stay positive. As I turned into the hospital parking lot the 5th space was open for me to park in. I associate the number 5 with Jackie, he was the 5th. My nurse who took my blood said that she had a period for the first three months she was pregnant and stated it is most likely a girl since she is giving me so much trouble already. The nurse had calmed my nerves and actually made me laugh…once again I was given a small amount of hope. I let my doctor know that I had went to the lab…and I waited.
An hour later I received the news that my hormone levels had plummeted over the weekend. Our miscarriage had been confirmed. My voice cracked over the phone as my doctor reminded me that we did nothing wrong, we did not cause this to happen. I listened carefully as she told me my next steps recalling the same conversation from our first miscarriage. I got off the phone and a flood of tears rolled down my cheeks. I looked up and asked, why? I spoke to Peanut and said how sorry I was that I couldn’t save him or her. I felt extreme guilt, I felt as though I had failed as a mother once again, I felt as though all the light in the world had left and I was surrounded by nothing but darkness. But as quick as the storm rolled in it began to disperse. I called Jack to tell him our news, I texted my fellow bereaved Mama, and I read a previous text that I had written the day before recalling the conversation that Jack and I had Saturday evening. “Jack and I had a very good and very long conversation last night. We agreed that no matter what happens everything is going to be okay. We have so many things to be grateful for. We have a wonderful life…we are just missing one piece. A piece that we know we will have one day. We know we will have kids to raise and not just watch over us in heaven. Two positive things have come from this pregnancy. This peanut got us through our hardest month. We also know that we can get pregnant again…which we weren’t sure about. Sure this may not end how we planned but we trust the man upstairs. This pregnancy, if it is over, has given us hope. Hope to push forward and to keep trying.”
I had once told myself during this pregnancy that God wouldn’t be so cruel to take this pregnancy away. As I sit here now knowing that it did happen. I do not find the man upstairs to be cruel. Instead I cling to the positives that Jack and I have discussed about this pregnancy. I cling to the hope we have knowing that this miscarriage is just a piece to our journey. This stepping stone is just apart of a larger picture…it is molding us into the people we are meant to be…shaping our lives for our future. We are not ready to give up…we are not going to throw in the towel…not yet. We have tasted a small bit of the bright future that lies ahead and we will push forward as bereaved parents.
We love you Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#angelmommy #ourkidsarewatching