I’ve been trying to get a grasp on all of my emotions that have been weighing me down the last week or so. It is safe to say that this miscarriage has sent me to a place of reflection that includes feelings of loneliness, sadness, and numbness, all wrapped up with big questions of why and now what? This certainly is not the life I had pictured. Not in my wildest dreams did I ever expect to be here. I wasn’t so naive to think that my life wouldn’t have hardship…I guess you can say I just thought it wouldn’t be this daunting. Child loss is hard. Child loss follows you everyday…all day…it lives within your soul and changes you forever.
I read three of my older posts…scanning them for insight and hoping to find small amounts of strength from them. I read the following posts from Our Journey to Jackie: 1.29.16, 3.18.16, and 4.15.16. All of which are writings after we learned that we had miscarried Bear. At that time, I had an inner voice telling me to share my journey and here we are now in 2018 and I have been sharing for almost a year now. Sharing my inner secrets and sharing our personal voyage of bereaved parenthood. We are not your average parents but we are parents. We are wounded parents. We are parents to only Angels. Our kids watch over us and guide us. Outsiders may look in on our life wondering when we are going to begin our family…unknowingly not realizing that our family has already begun.
Along with our questions of why and now what, we live our lives constantly in wonder. Having a longing for what if. Dreaming of what could have been.
Our loving friends and family have been checking in on us almost daily. Once again we are humbled and are surrounded by unconditional love. I recently spoke to a few friends through text…as they checked in I took the opportunity to share exactly where I am at this moment. I can really only speak for myself at this time as my Husband is on a different path, similar and intertwining at times…but different.
I utterly feel lost lately. I have been trying to find a reason for our journey and what our next steps should be. Basically just trying to answer our questions of why and now what. I am not second guessing whether or not we should keep trying. I know that both of us are not ready to give up in that department just yet. I am simply lost trying to answer the question now what? What are our next steps? Where do we go from here? How do we get to the destination that we see in our minds? We know where we are now and we know where we want to be…it’s just how do we get there?
Do we see a fertility doctor? Do we consider adoption? Both of these options come with financial responsibilities…large financial responsibilities. Can we afford them? Do we just continue on our path of natural child conception? How many miscarriages can we endure? Can we survive another, two, three, …ten more?
Ultimately…day after day…all I really can muster up for an answer is that as a wounded bereaved couple we must simply just trust the journey. Our journey, our path, is our why and our journey must be our strength through these difficult days while we cannot answer the question of what is next. What else is there to really do…sure we could allow the darkness to consume us, we could lose all hope, and we could just allow the dark to block out any remaining light that is remaining. We could simply give up. Accept that this is it. But in the back of my mind I know for a fact that we will not give up, it’s not our nature…we are not that couple. You do not give up on something that you cannot go a day without thinking about. Raising a family is what we dream of doing and raising a family is exactly what we are going to do.
I don’t have an answer as to how…I just know that we will and until then we will continue to trust the path that we must take to get there.
We love you Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#angelmommy #ourjackofhearts #ourkidsarewatching
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