A loss is a loss no matter how small.
As a Mother who has experienced miscarriages and infant loss, a Mother’s love and attachment to her child begins as soon as she knows she is pregnant. Her body is changing and even though she cannot feel the baby moving about the uterus just yet she still knows her baby is there. She begins to speak to her baby and rubs her belly as though she is running her fingers through her baby’s hair. Dreams of what baby will look like and dreams of life 9 months from now have already consumed her daydreams. Your journey as a Mother begins as soon as you know you are pregnant and it never ends. You are forevermore…a mom…and once you are a mom you cannot undo it.
Through miscarriage and infant loss you will feel many of the same emotions and your body will endure similar pain. I can only speak from my experiences and my experiences may differ from others. What I share with you may or may not be true for all. I can only share what I know.
I know that the emotions are similar from comparing my journal entries from our first miscarriage to the emotions I experienced after the loss of Jackie. The pain, sadness, grief…it was all present for both…the only thing that separated the two experiences was time. Now by saying time I don’t want you to get the impression that the more time you have with your baby means the more time you will spend grieving because this is simply not the case. I say time in the sense of the amount of memories you have made. The more time you share with your baby the more memories you have. Once again this does mean that you need more time to grieve the more time you have…everyone grieves differently…and there is no set timeframe. Bottom line, once you have loss you will grieve that loss in one way or another for the rest of your life.
I struggle sometimes when I think of our family. Our three Angels. I can visualize Jackie…but I do not even know what gender Bear and Peanut even are. Do they have red hair or brown? I miss them just as much as I miss Jackie but I struggle at the same time. Miscarriage brings with it unanswered questions…questions that if answered would make mourning my miscarriages a bit easier for me. Not that mourning Jackie is easy…that is not what I am trying to say. Part of it has to do with the how tangible Jackie is. He was born, we saw him, he lived, and everyone knows what he looks like…he is easy to remember. My miscarriages are not that easy…I couldn’t feel them in my uterus yet, I know barely anything about them…I just know that I loved them, I miss them, and I mourn them just the same.
Even though I had more time with Jackie and even though he is easier to remember because I have an image to recall of him doesn’t lessen the pain that I have felt with our miscarriages. Our first miscarriage took away my innocence and this last miscarriage catapulted my husband and I into deeper uncertainty…of what now…what is next. Miscarriages are hard and they are painful…emotionally and physically. Miscarriages are just as heartbreaking as infant loss. You not only mourn that baby but you mourn all the plans you had and all the daydreams that will never take place. This second miscarriage brought with it another item that my previous miscarriage had not. I also mourn pregnancy. The journey of pregnancy that I was blessed to have with Jackie and was so scared and excited to have with Peanut was lost. We never got to see Peanut in an ultrasound, never heard Peanut’s heartbeat, I never got feel Peanut kick me in the wee hours of the morning, watch my tummy grow, have others place their hands on my belly to feel a kick, and feel so awful and wonderful all at the same time.
As painful as it is…I am a Mom to three Angels. All three blessed me at different times in my life. All three are grieved and missed terribly. A loss is a loss…no matter how small.
We love you Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#angelmommy #mykidsarewatcing #ourjackofhearts