I’ve struggled the last few days with my inner emotions. How can I be so calm? How can I feel this okay after my world came crashing down just a few short days ago?
The truth is as I think about our future I know for a fact that we will have kids to raise. How we get there will be exactly how we were destined to get there. As we close the book on pregnancy number 3 and look forward to speaking with the fertility doctors on the 14th…I am beginning to feel a sense of calm. A calm that I have not felt in a long long time. The type of calm you have when you know that without a doubt that everything is going to work out…everything is going to be okay. The past few years have been filled with “trying”, trials, failure, tears, a sprinkling of joy…and everything in-between. All of my thoughts and energy have been on one focus…natural conception. I put all my eggs in one basket, blinding myself of any other options. We have a beautiful family now and we will continue to have a beautiful family into the future. No matter what happens. We wanted to be parents…and we are parents…we want to raise kids therefore we will.
As strange as it may sound, I needed this last miscarriage to mentally calm down, to reflect and refocus. After the loss of Jackie I was terrified to be pregnant. I feared another loss; I feared that I wasn’t strong enough to endure the pain all over again. However, here we are. This loss catapulted us further into the grey zone…the unknown. Placed us in our lowest moment as a couple and left us asking, now what? What is next? How is this part of the plan? Is this really our journey? How can we trust this journey when it has brought us nothing but pain? Another miscarriage, really?
Something magical happened during these lowest of low days. Whether you believe in signs or not…we believe we received signs. Guiding us. Pointing us to the room with doors and telling us that we don’t have to put all of our eggs in just one basket. Sure these other baskets come with a financial responsibility however we are living in a world where nothing is free anyway.
Our struggles are only moulding us into the couple, the parents, the individuals we are meant to be. Our relationship has never been stronger. We love one another deeper and we appreciate the hope and positivity that we give to another. We know that we each are drowning at times but we still manage to set aside our own struggles while we are together and give another the hope and positivity that we each need to hear. By each of us telling the other to stay hopeful in spite of our own demons we are allowing ourselves to say the things we know the other needs but intern it allows us to also start believing what we are saying to the other. The more I tell my husband to stay positive, to trust the journey, to believe that we will raise kiddos, to have hope…the more I believe it myself.
My moment of absolute calm only happened a few short days ago. It came after our conversations about our options and our ultimate decision to pursue speaking to the fertility clinic. The calm feeling I had was confirmed by none other than a heart sighting that was shared with me by an old co-worker. This friend had reached out to me after reading my blog, “What’s Next?” and shared her infertility journey with me. I was humbled that she choose to reach out and I was thrilled to discover that her and her husband were using the same clinic that we had chosen. I was brought to tears when a photo of a heart was sent to me the day after she had reached out along with a message stating that I have a pretty amazing son who touched them on a very emotional day as they walked out of the clinic.
That heart was all I needed. A flood of tears rolled down my cheeks, I smiled, and I knew that we had made the right decision. That we choose the right door.
We love you Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#ourjackofhearts #thisoneisforJackie #angelmommy #ourkidsarewatching