The last few weeks have been a tangled web of a mess. My emotions just seem to bounce from one extreme to the other…and rightfully so. As we mentally prepare for our appointment Wednesday and continue to brace ourselves for the never ending pregnancy announcements something magical is happening once again.
My hope for my blog was that my story in some way would touch, heal, or help others to understand the roller coaster of “trying”, high-risk pregnancies, NICU experiences, and bereaved parenthood. But what I failed or maybe just overlooked was the idea of connecting with others. That my blog would encourage other “Broken Mamas” to share their stories with me. I cannot express enough how grateful I feel…humbled…honored…extremely blessed.
For those of you that have reached out in the last few weeks, you know who you are, I just want to say thank you! Hearing your stories has stirred something within me. I have had this stirring before but quickly put it on the back burner, you have brought this stirring that brews deep within my soul back to life! You are all familiar with the fact that after we had our first miscarriage I felt the need to share. It took many months and some light convincing from my sister-in-law to actually start blogging but here we are now. I still have that same feeling and for as long as I continue to feel the need to share I will continue to do so. This stirring goes further than just sharing…it started after we lost Jackie and it continued to build in the background as days continued to pass only now to be emphasized after this recent miscarriage and brought front and center.
I have a whole lot of love to give and finding the right audience, the right place to put it has been a bit of a struggle of mine.
I sometimes wonder if my desire for conceiving was and is clouding or hindering my drive to pursue what will “feed” this stirring. Or maybe not…maybe I just haven’t stubbled across the correct road to take. Maybe it just simply boils down to the same question, now what? There are many different things I could do. The main driving force behind this stirring is the desire I have to want to help. But how should I help?
Should we in fact start a foundation as I had originally thought? I send small gifts to Mamas I am made aware of that need some loving in a difficult time, is that enough? I share my thoughts regarding my journey in this blog, is that enough? Rock painting was a success, but will that idea pick up momentum? Should I write a book and if I did would anyone read it or want it?
Am I doing enough is simply what I continue to ask myself and I just don’t think that I am. I wouldn’t have this feeling I have right now if I was doing enough. Something is brewing…but what it is I still don’t know. All I know is I have a whole lot of brave Mama’s to thank. I have a whole lotta love to give and it has to go somewhere…but where?
We love you Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#angelmommy #ourkidsarewatching #ourjackofhearts