When does our storm end? How much more pain do we have to endure to get to our rainbow skies? I know that our lives will constantly be plagued by grief and I know that even after this storm passes another will most likely arrive. I have said it so many times…everyone is battling something. This life does not come without struggle, hardship, or pain. I’m just ready for this one to be over.
My sense of calm was tarnished by yet another pregnancy announcement. This always happens. I have loss and someone else gets the glory. My mind and emotions are constantly at battle with one another. Happy and sad…all at once…dancing together every single day. We come up for air from our shipwrecked waters only to be blasted back down by another wave. I usually maintain my positivity and keep reminding myself that this too shall pass as I tread water. Every wave hits further and further apart but as always there are those that I don’t see coming. Those are the waves of grief that hurt the most. And it down right sucks!
It sucks to be happy and sad for people that you love all at the same time. It sucks when you smile and praise their news and then have to go home to cry. IT SUCKS! And it’s so HARD!
I sometimes question the man upstairs. I wonder how he thinks I am strong enough for this…but yet here I am. I didn’t think I could survive the passing of my son…but here I am. I didn’t think I could survive another miscarriage…but here I am. What else is there to do? I have to swim…I have to stay a float, it’s not within me to give up. Some days are just hard. The waives of grief are too large and too strong for me fight. Somedays it’s just easier to sink…to just allow the storm to take over me…to cry until I have no more tears left. And once the waters settle once more…I will come up for air, I will stay a float, and I will find my positive self once again treading water.
We love you Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmama #ourkidsarewatching