Jack turned 32 on April 8th and I couldn’t help but to cry that morning. I woke up and began collecting pictures on Facebook in order to write him a heartfelt birthday post. As I scanned our large memory bank I became overwhelmed with sadness. Tears began to fall from my eyes…that quickly turned into a full fledge river rushing down my cheeks. Images of Jackie with his Daddy danced throughout my mind…memories that should have been created…the fun, the love, the joy. I couldn’t help but to be sad…sad for my husband. He is such a wonderful Father for his Angel babies and he is a terrific Uncle to his Niece and Nephew. It pains me that our kiddos are not here to fully experience their Dad…and it pains me more that my Husband doesn’t have his kiddos here for him to experience them.
Every time we are around kiddos and Jack starts to play with them I am reminded of one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. He is absolutely wonderful with kids. He loves them…they love him…and it warms my heart and soul each and every time. He wanted to be a Dad long before I was ready to take the plunge into Mommyhood and some days it just hurts more than others. His birthday hurt. I couldn’t help but to imagine what that day would’ve looked like…how different it would’ve been. I imagine handmade cards and a cake decorated with 50 different sprinkles because Jackie couldn’t decide on which ones at the store so I bought them all for him so he could make the perfect birthday cake for his Daddy. It’s the most perfect day filled with love and chaos.
This wasn’t the first time I have had these day dreams present themselves.
Sometimes I feel as though I am just living in a dream…just a really bad dream…and I just need to wake up. Wake up to my actual life where everything is perfect. We have Jackie and I am still currently pregnant. Everything is rainbows and butterflies and absolutely perfect. I know it’s just my daydream again but it feels so right…so real…and my whole mind and body longs for it to be the truth. My daydream is my true reality and everything that we are living right now is just a bad dream.
There are just those days that all I want to do is hold my baby. Just see his beautiful face and know what he looks like now. Then suddenly the waves of grief roll in and remind me that I am only day dreaming, that I am wishing upon a star. Tears begin to form and I have to leave my daydream to arrive back in my actual reality. As I have come accustomed, it’s not everyday that I drift off to this daydream and feel as though my actual reality is the bad dream. I loath and yet love my daydream all at the same time. It’s a wonderful place to hide at times.
I hope so hard, with every ounce of my soul that next year he has a kiddo here! That his Birthday will be exactly how I have been picturing it. He deserves it.
We love your Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#ourjackofhearts #angelmommy