3. ANXIETY
Anxiety is something that just comes along with being bereaved…or so I have found. Anxious vibes pretty much lurk just about everywhere and they can sneak up on me even during my best of days. New triggers that cause me grief also cause me loads of anxiety because they are new and I haven’t learned how to deal with that situation yet. Sometimes simple conversations can cause me anxiety because my rehearsed response suddenly didn’t work and now I am explaining my journey to a complete stranger. I often times just say that I am a Mom, I have a son, and I leave it at that…the trouble is, is that many times that leads others to begin asking even more questions. That’s when my anxiety revs up because I know I am about to tell them something that will make them sad or feel sorry for us. I honestly am fine most days talking about our journey with others but it’s the emotions that they begin to feel that cause me to be anxious. I don’t want to be the reason someone went home and told their significant other about the poor Mom they met at Target today.
Now you may be thinking, but Ashley you have a blog…you talk about your journey to others all the time. And you’re right…here I am typing away about the most intimate details of my life and it is bringing me peace…not anxiety. Here is the difference…this is in the comfort of my home, at my own speed, in my own time. I can sit here and peck away at the keyboard for as long as I like, take a break if I like, or even cry if and when I need to. I don’t have to see the emotional response as others read my words. That is the biggest difference because I get anxiety when I see the sadness evoked as I am telling them that I am a Mommy of Angels.
Becoming pregnant with Peanut after the loss of Jackie also caused me high anxiety…I was not naive enough to think that everything would go smoothly and it surely did not but that only added to my anxiety about the situation. Anxiety is just part of the deal. I will forevermore be an anxious person about certain situations…it’s just apart of my new normal.
Parts of me are missing…how could I not be anxious about that?
We love you Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#MayWeAllHeal #MWAH2018 #shareyourstory #ourjackofhearts #angelmommy #ourkidsarewatching