This is a tough one for me. I have been harboring some feelings and thoughts lately that I really haven’t shared with anyone. As we continue our process with Dr. Cooper I can’t help but to make a few self diagnosis. Everything seems to point to my hormone levels…that they are the issue here. Me…my hormones. I can’t help but to be upset by the fact that I alone could be the very reason that our three kiddos are in heaven. I know that I personally have no control over my hormones but they are still me…they are mine. My worst fear that I had at the beginning of this journey is basically coming to fruition. That I did this…it’s my fault. We don’t have an official diagnosis from Dr. Cooper, she has not told us why we have miscarried in the past, and Jackie was a fluke…a less than 1% chance…but the more we find out about my hormones and that they are not doing what they should the more I blame myself. Why didn’t I get help sooner? Maybe I could have saved our babies.
I know I shouldn’t blame myself…I didn’t know…no one did. It’s just hard not to. It’s a whole lot easier to be hard on yourself than others, at least that is how it is for me. It’s just hard for me…hard knowing that there is something wrong with my body and most likely because of it…we lost our babies. Maybe Jackie’s mutation could’ve been caused because it…and the miscarriages may have happened because of it. Maybe…just maybe.
If there is one thing I have learned it is to not dwell too much or for too long on the past…but it is okay to share my feelings and it’s okay to be sad, frustrated, and confused. The fact of the matter is, is that my body doesn’t function properly but we are now in the correct hands. We have found the most amazing team and team leader, Dr. Cooper. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind about that. They will be monitoring me from start to finish. Along the way we may get pregnant or we may learn valuable information needed in order to get pregnant a few months down the road…but we will get pregnant, that I am sure about.
Somehow Jackie stuck…and I have to believe that we will get that chance again. That another embryo will stick…and this time will stick around to fill our lives with chaos and love.
We love you Bear, Jackie, and Peanut!
#ourkidsarewatching #ourjackofhearts #angelmommy #IUI