June 21st
2nd Ultrasound
I held my breath as the ultrasound tech began the scan. Jack stood by my, she turned the screen, and there once again there was our beautiful growing baby with a healthy 153 heart rate! Relief poured through my body…I could feel my anxiety slip slowly away.
June 27
We are heading into week 9 of our pregnancy. I am physically exhausted and continue to fight nausea throughout the day. It has been difficult to not post our pregnancy publicly. I have been having an inner struggle with myself…it’s too early…you waited for 12 weeks before posting about Jackie…what if something happens…oh who cares just do it…no don’t do it yet. The only thing that makes sense to me is that I am in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting for our bad news. Every week my emotions build until I can see our little one…I then sigh a deep breath of relief…only for the cycle to begin all over again as we wait for our next appointment.
This isn’t easy. This bereaved life we live and it has become even more complicated with the addition of our beautiful growing baby. My hormones are all over the place and so are my emotions. Most days are filled with excitement for what is to come but there is always that inner voice…that voice of what was…that voice of what could happen…we are not naive.
I wish so badly that it could be easy for us. That we could just be pregnant…and “be pregnant”. But that is not the life that was chosen for us. That is not how this will go. We will be cautious, we will be scared, and we will constantly be hanging between excitement and nervousness. As prepared as I thought I was for this emotional roller coaster there are times when it still takes my breath away.
We love you Bear, Jackie, Peanut, and Nemo.
#ourjackofhearts #IUI #bereavedandpregnant