August 12
I anxiously await our appointment this week. I have however been a bit calmer than previously and that I can thank Lizzy for. Shortly after our last appointment I began to feel flutters! She is a mover that is for sure…she seems to already be performing her version of gymnastics on a daily bases and each and every time I get to feel her…a calmness comes over me. It’s the times that I can’t feel her that activate my anxieties and worst fears.
Those of you that are Moms will understand the fears, anxieties, and worry that come along with motherhood. These are natural…and from my conversations with other Moms…we all have them. Bereaved Mamas, however, have an added layer to this natural instinct. We already know that our worst fears, anxieties, and worries can actually come to fruition. So while others just fear them…we know them to be true…we have already lived them and it makes our pregnancy after such a tragedy that much harder.
I don’t always live in that bubble…however it’s there. Most days I spend dreaming of our lives with Lizzy. We shop for her, we are changing the house for her, and we speak of all the things we look forward to…and I do my very best to live in this bubble as much as possible.
To be honest it isn’t the fear of losing Lizzy that emotionally torments me the most. It’s the sadness I feel knowing that she will never know her brother. That they will never play together…they don’t get to grow up together…fight for our attention…and everything in-between. It’s never been just the loss of our son that hurts…it’s the loss of every event that we won’t get to witness in his growth and life that we dreamt of for him; and it is even more present now while his sister grows stronger and bigger each and everyday.
I knew carrying our next child after Jackie would be difficult which is why we waited until we were ready…but are you ever really ready? The answer is no. I thought I had figured out every single difficulty that may arise while bereaved and pregnant…ha…I am still tackling new anxieties each and everyday. It’s all just apart of our journey. Recognizing and tackling my fears head on…taking deep breaths…and allowing myself to feel have become apart of my pregnancy routine.
We love you Bear, Jackie, Peanut, and Lizzy Lee!
#IUI #ourjackofhearts #bereavedandpregnant #angelsiblings