August 16
Last night I had to face my nightmares. I woke up a few times in tears throughout the wee hours of the morning. I usually don’t remember my dreams…however when I do…they are vivid life-like events that sometimes take me time to recover from. I dreamt that the doctor couldn’t find Lizzy’s heartbeat at our appointment. It was absolutely terrifying. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I awoke…I wiped away my tears with my sheet, walked to the bathroom, and took a deep breath…looking down at my extended belly and thinking myself please do not let this be true.
I finally woke up for the day at 7am and prepared myself for my appointment with our new general OB at St. Mary’s. I nervously awaited Dr. Ravin. She had me lay back and I felt my anxiety rising…she was searching for Lizzy’s heartbeat…what was probably seconds felt like years…each movement with no heartbeat made me think that my nightmare was a reality. Luckily the heartbeat was found and it was as if Lizzy moved even closer so that it was nice and loud for me to hear! “There you are baby girl!”
Instant relief!
I had my blood drawn to verify my Thyroid medication is still at the correct mg. Our next appointment will be Lizzy’s anatomy scan on September 13th. This will be a very big day for us…very emotional…this is the appointment when everything started to go downhill for our Jackie. After the September appointment we also scheduled the fetal echocardiogram for October 19th. I am doing my best to remain in my calm state of mind after our appointment today and to wait to feel the anxiety that September 13th brings with it.
We love you Bear, Jackie, Peanut, and Lizzy Lee!
#IUI #ourjackofhearts #bereavedandpregnant