I have been struggling to find the words lately. Not that I haven’t been feeling or thinking…just struggling to sit down and put down on paper how I am feeling. This entire pregnancy has been a roller coaster with twist and turns that I never prepared for…some good and some not so good.
There are days that I feel as though this pregnancy has brought me back to life. I laugh, I attend parties that unless pregnant I wouldn’t have, and I overall feel blissful and blessed. Then there are days that being pregnant causes me to be even more sad…I look down at my belly and I recall when I was pregnant with Jackie and I fear that all I will ever know in this life is pregnancy and not true parenthood. Yes we are parents…but we are bereaved parents…it’s just different.
Even with the fabulous news of Lizzy’s 20 week anatomy scan I cannot help but to fear. Fear that something was missed. I recall all the things that were missed from Jackie’s scans and it scares me. I will constantly be fighting with the good news we are receiving…constantly questioning it…is she really doing this well? Is everything actually where it should be?
I am constantly tipping from one end to the other…happiness and sadness. I do truly believe that Lizzy has breathed new life into me. An excitement for our future…it’s hard to explain…I just feel different. But of course I feel different…I am constantly changing as life continues to mold me with circumstances.
Maybe the real issue here is that I have yet to find my solid ground. I am high or I am low…I have yet to find the in-between. Maybe that is why I am struggling to write…struggling to find the words of what is happening. Struggling to find balance between the happiness of Lizzy and the sadness of Jackie while all the while not feeling like I am giving one of them more attention than the other. I would imagine this will be a constant battle…possibly even more so when Lizzy arrives…but I am hopeful that I will find solid ground. A balance between my two kiddos and our two miscarriages.
I want Lizzy to grow up knowing of her brother but I don’t want her to feel over shadowed by him either. I want to share with her our journey and how that journey makes her all the more special to us but I don’t want that to make her feel overly special either…in the sense that she may become a brat about it. As much as I am wanting to be grounded I want my daughter to be as well. She will be spoiled and loved beyond measure but how do I keep her humble at the same time?
So many thoughts…so many feelings…and all happening all at one time. No wonder I am struggling to put down into words what is happening during this journey.
We love you Bear, Jackie, Peanut, and Lizzy!
#ourjackofhearts #IUI #bereavedandpregnant #angelsiblings
“I want to share with her our journey and how that journey makes her all the more special to us but I don’t want that to make her feel overly special either…in the sense that she may become a brat about it”
You will find the balance. We struggled for a long time with not jumping immediately every time Will cries, or caving in too much because we don’t want him to be upset and cause a tet spell. After his surgery was done, we didn’t have to worry about tet spells anymore, but it was a HUGE behavioral shift for us. Lizzy is special because she’s Lizzy, but she’s also special because of your journey. The two are inseparable. But trust me when I say that the first time she throws her toddler tantrum, you’ll know how not to spoil her!