Miscarriage N.3

I know there are a lot of bigger issues happening around us. Bigger more important matters at hand…but right now…all I can focus on is my immediate universe. 

My body has now failed me/ us more times than it has succeeded. My uterus is a graveyard. Well not really a graveyard since the babies don’t actual rest there but I guess more so a morgue… 

I can’t quite wrap my mind around life’s journey right now. I have been at war with myself…at peace one moment and then yelling at God asking him once again…why me? Why us? What do we need to take from this?

My husband and I knew that this was a long shot…a 50/50 chance…we have a horrible track record getting pregnant on our own…we know that. And yet…no matter how many times I tried to remind myself of that during the last 5 weeks…I allowed myself to get overly excited. I allowed myself to think that after our first ultrasound that everything was going to be fine…that this time was different. 

No matter how many times I allowed myself to enjoy the ride we were on I always had that voice in the back of my mind saying that the ball would eventually drop…something bad would happen…it usually always does. (That’s just the nature of being a bereaved parent…we’ve lived it and we know it all too well). 

The ball dropped and the bad news came. 

Let me back up a bit here. It was early morning on July 22…

The day before I decided to purchase a pregnancy test because I just didn’t feel like my period was coming. Jack and I had not been trying to get pregnant…to be completely honest here we had actually just started to even talk about baby number 3 and we never actually finished the conversation. I for one was leaning more towards no during the current pandemic but I was open to coming up with a game plan for when we should schedule our visit with Vios. Cue the music…

🎶You make your plans and you hear god laughing🎶

I woke up early on the 22, knowing I wanted to pee on the pregnancy stick with my morning pee…the test literally showed a plus sign before I was even done peeing! I was in shock! I thought for sure I’d be terrified since I was not wanting to get pregnant during a pandemic but to my own surprise I was thrilled! I was excited! I smiled and grinned in the mirror. I held my stomach that now housed life once more and I was happy! Over the moon happy! 

Lizzy woke up shortly after. I left the pee stick in the bathroom and closed the door. I anxiously awaited Jack to wake up. It seemed like forever! 

I was tired of waiting so once Lizzy finished her breakfast I took her into our bedroom and I let her wake her daddy. I told him that there was a very large bug in the bathroom that I needed him to go take care of. He was not thrilled and mumbled about how the bug man was just over and we shouldn’t have any more bugs in the house. Hehehe. 

He opened the door and looked everywhere besides the counter. I walked in with Lizzy and asked if he saw it…he said no, speaking about the bug of course. I can’t believe you can’t see it…as I pointed. He looked…and he gave me a weird look. He grabbed the test…what! We are?! No way! 

Baby number 3! A complete surprise! 

From that moment we did what we do best and we started sharing our secret with family and making plans for this bundle of joys arrival that would be in March of 2021. 

I had a good game plan. Take one day, one appointment, and one week at a time. Take deep breaths and allow Lizzy to keep my wondering mind preoccupied. 

Let’s just take a moment to applaud Lizzy for doing a job well done…holy cow is it different being pregnant while chasing a toddler around! Talk about exhausting! There were many times I just wanted my time to relax…like I was able to during my other pregnancies. Ha! Wishful thinking Mama! Welcome to kiddo number 3!

Our first ultrasound appointment was on August 10th. Prior to that I had my thyroid levels checked out on August 3rd and also began taking progesterone as a precaution on July 24th. I was a ball of nerves for my appointment. I didn’t even look at the screen until the ultrasound tech started talking about our baby and it’s heartbeat. HUGE sigh of relief! We made it to this moment…I actually had a baby in there! Baby had a 132 heart rate and measured a week late. 

From there I planned a photoshoot, made shirts, ordered Lizzy a big sister book…I felt like everything was going to be okay while of course always waiting for something bad to happen.

So now we are caught back up…we are back to the ball dropping and the bad news coming. 

On Monday, August 24, I started to have dark brown discharge every now and then when I wiped. By Tuesday I passed a clot the size of a blueberry and had mild cramping. On Wednesday I started to have light menstrual like bright red blood flow.

Wednesday evening things seemed to die down but then in the morning my cramps became moderate and the blood flow seemed to pick up a bit. 

I went in for an ultrasound at 1:00pm on Thursday August 27. Baby only measured 7 weeks 2 days. My sack measured around 9 weeks…

No heartbeat. 

We lost the baby. 

We are miscarrying…again. 

I’m so sorry I couldn’t save you!

We love you so very much!