We are at a crossroad. We found ourselves here prior to our last miscarriage as well. We had just started to entertain the idea of having another kiddo…then it had appeared that decision was made for us…then we miscarried and now we find ourselves right back where we were.
I remember right before I saw that plus sign I bawled my eyes out! It was at least a week before I even thought about taking a pregnancy test. I had finally made the decision that I wanted a third and yet I knew that we couldn’t afford it…and I lost it! I cried and I cried hard! Begging for a baby…saying I was ready and it wasn’t fair that I would have to go further into debt to have another. Then like a week later my prayer had been heard. We were pregnant and I was thrilled.
I’ll be honest…This miscarriage really hit me hard. It sent a jolt to my very core. I experienced a lot of anger … a lot of anger. And I’m still angry…because it just isn’t fair.
As much as my husband and I were excited to prepare for this next baby it also brought the realization of what was to come. We’ve gotten into a sweet spot…a really great groove and we were about to completely rock the boat … again.
It shocked me the day my husband told me that he was actually a bit relieved after the miscarriage. Now…hear me out before you start judging this statement he made. You have to understand my husband has wanted kiddos way longer than I and he is 110 percent in the dad game. When I asked him what he really meant by this statement because he was just as excited as I…he simply said he was just relieved that we wouldn’t have to be sleep deprived, take turns sleeping … you know all the things that make the infant stage so hard!!!
My dad even had a conversation with my husband. He is worried about me…worried about how much more of this I can handle. And he is right…it’s a fair concern.
I’ve talked with a fellow mama…life isn’t all about having kids…and it’s not. But boy we sure have taken up a lot of time trying to have them. Is it time to focus on other things?
Do we?
Don’t we?
I honestly don’t have an answer right now. Right after the miscarriage I was ready and willing to call up our fertility doc and get us on the schedule. But after giving this miscarriage time … time to end…and after beginning the healing process from it … things are changing. As life does…it just changes.
And so here we are. At our crossroad. One way leads us to Vios with our fertility doc and the other leads us down a life with 1 living and 1 angel kiddo.
For now we will pause at this location. We are stopping to smell the roses I guess you could say. Looking both ways and trying to decide which way to turn. Neither would be the wrong answer for us…both are very possible.
To be continued…