I think the hardest part of our recent decision is that I will never again feel the growth of a tiny human. I will never again dress my cute bump or take videos of that little one kicking me from the inside out.
I love being pregnant! Love it!
I don’t however like the emotional roller coaster that comes along with our pregnancies. Pregnancy is HARD for us. That’s the easiest way I can summarize it. We don’t get pregnant easily and we don’t stay pregnant easily.
It’s an emotional roller coaster that we’ve been on far too many times! And we simply don’t want to ride that same ride again. I’ll be 100% honest here…if we were told we could get pregnant tomorrow with no chance of miscarriage or complications…we’d do it! But the cold hard truth is…that type of certainty isn’t out there.
We could go through another IUI and not get pregnant or even worse have a miscarriage. There is always that chance. And I’m going to tell you all right now…this mama can’t endure another miscarriage. I can’t do it! And neither can this family or our circle of warriors. They too have rode our ups and downs for far too long as well.
This was one of the toughest decisions we’ve had to make. It didn’t happen over night nor without numerous discussions.
There has certainly been a peace within this home since we paused and put growing our family on hold and decided to just focus on the present. But time is ticking…we are only getting older. Lizzy is getting older too and in our mind our window of opportunity is narrowing. This is of course our own personal decision.
Our final discussion on this topic left me in an emotional haze to say the least. I reached out to two women who I need in times like this..right in the thick of raw emotion. Searching for their guidance on why I was having such a hard time with this decision when we had been leaning toward this final outcome and tip toeing around it for months. Why in the very moment that we made it official did I have a pit in my stomach. Was I second guessing what we decided?
It wasn’t until my fellow bereaved told me that it was okay to grieve this decision. Light bulb! How on earth did I not recognize what was happening? I have felt grief far too many times and yet…sometimes it presents itself in new ways that you just aren’t prepared for.
Of course I am grieving!!! We just decided that we will never again bear our own! Never again will I dress my baby bump, will I take videos, will we announce, will we head to the hospital to greet a newborn. A chapter…a HUGE chapter that has consumed so much of our life and time is coming to a close. Of course I am grieving.
Our decision like with any of our decisions about growing our family…isn’t the norm. But what is normal these days anyway…right?!? Let me rephrase…it’s not what I had pictured for us. I pictured us with two to three kiddos running around looking at each other saying…okay we’re good here. But instead we are driven by anxiety and raw hard emotions! Both completely justified.
Taking away our “day dreams” of what should have been and embracing our journey and where we are now…we are completely at peace with not moving forward with another pregnancy. Is it still hard to swallow at times, sure it is! Life isn’t fair sometimes but it doesn’t mean that it still isn’t good. It’s all about redirection right? Changing your frame of mind. Finding the good in your unbelievably hard journey.
So…This Is Us…
A husband and wife, two elderly dogs, 3 miscarriages, 1 Angel Son, and an amazing Daughter who is the best thing that ever happened to us!
It was a hard decision but it was the right one for us! And in the end…that is all that matters.
We are the Andersons ♥️