5. EMPTY
Empty are our arms that were meant to hold you…empty is the nursery where you were going to sleep and grow up in…empty is now the canvas in which I had plans to paint.
Empty is even something that I felt at the hospital after Jackie’s delivery. He was born and we didn’t get to hold him…are arms were empty…they were empty for days as we anxiously awaited in the NICU for the docs to clear us for some snug-time. Empty was my womb that had housed our beautiful son for months…it still looked housed…but no life was occupying the real-estate.
I had a flashback about my time in the hospital yesterday, I was alone…texting my husband for updates about Jackie and pleading for pictures so that I could grasp onto any sort of “quality” time with my son that was miles away. Empty was my hospital room except for myself and the nurses that would routinely check on me as I listened to other new mom’s and dad’s enjoy the screams of their new babies. Empty…sums up exactly how I felt..an empty vessel.
I had this flashback yesterday as I drove home, an ambulance turned on its sirens and flew by me on its way to the hospital. Jackie was by himself in a transport box…he was surrounded by people that he didn’t know…he was being picked and prodded during his examinations…I can only imagine what he was thinking. As the ambulance went by…the backseat of my car was empty…the seat where the car seat should be…empty.
Though many things may be empty and though it is oh so hard to sometimes re-feel what happened…our hearts are one thing that are not empty. Are hearts are so full of love…and it is that love that fuels us to push forward. To push past the feelings of emptiness that sometimes present themselves, to push past the reality of the empty things/daily memories that should have Jackie in them. Empty may be apart of our everyday life but we will continue to focus on the fact that our hearts are not.
We love you!
#mayweallheal #mwah2017 #thisoneisforJackie